Sunday, April 13, 2003 Dese nuts
Today I had to get up early, drive to school, sit through a meeting of the college's board, and introduce the new Pravda editor. (I only have two more issues to put out. Ever. Dude.) My original plan had been to get up not just early but butt-ass early, zip down the picturesque country lanes, and get a couple hours worth of steady work done on my novel before the meeting started. Instead, when the alarm went off, I got up to stop the noise, nearly lost my balance a couple times, looked around blearily, and decided that I would just work on my obligations *during* the meeting somehow, perhaps by re-writing entire chapters in longhand. I re-set the clock and stumbled back to bed.
The mate was awake, not because of the clock, but because he hadn't been to bed yet. Lately he's been on an absolutely bizarre sleep-wake schedule that means he and I are rarely sleeping at the same time. He told me the amusing things I'd said in my sleep, and I said some groggy morning-scented breathy sweet nothings and dozed intermittently until it was really, for real, time to go.
I threw on some clothes that seemed fairly respectable, including a skirt that would've pleased a fairly liberal amish woman (it was a little worldly, in that it was some kind of faux-satin, but It was basic black and came past my ankles.)
I got to school after a drive that, due to my new policy of obeying the speed limit, has become "painfully long" instead of "charming". The Board was still in executive session, so I stood around drinking complimentary morning beverages and nibbling fruit. I schmoozed with various not-ready-for-prime-time board members and some (comparitively)lowly staff members who, like the Pravda editors, have to go every year for form's sake, but have nothing to say in the meetings. My favorites include the Sea Hag, who works in one of the administrative buildings and sports a withering scowl at all times, the Staff Members Who Think We're Buddies, and the staff members I actually genuinely enjoy speaking to.
One of the board members mocked me for trying to eat grapes with a fork. I was trying to be genteel. "You are going to fail. Those are going to go shooting off the plate and onto the floor, and they will get sstepped on, and then where will you be?" she said. I made a few more token stabs, but she was right, and I had to eat my grapes with my fingers, like a peasant. They weren't even peeled.
This year I managed to sit through the entire meeting without spilling my coffee, and I knew better than to read the agenda before the meeting, so I was able to make a game of sorts out of guessing what ostensible purpose some of the remarks served.
The Board is generally a jolly bunch of people (whose average age is 412) with lots of money and sinister jobs in the military-industrial complex or public relations. They are prone to making little in-jokes about one another and tittering. I'd say at least 1/20 of the two hour regular session meeting was taken up with tittering.
Last year, at my first one of these, I got a kick out of that. I like to see people having a good time, and an up-tight, fakey, quietly desperate good time is usually more fun to watch then some kind of Dionysian revel involving keg stands (Shit, you see one, you see 'em all.). Then came last summer's internship at the Podunk Weekly. One of the few shit-jobs I had to do as an intern was cover local government meetings when the real reporters were on vacation or feuding with entire towns. (One reporter, whom I will call "Pancake" has been involved in a standing grudge with the mayor of "LousyTown" for about 15 years and refuses to set foot there.) I got to know all the permutations of tight-lipped pseudo-humor that regular attendees of civic meetings turn to to make themselves think they posess souls. It makes one long for barked orders and sterile white rooms.
My favorite board member today was Old Dirty, who was my least favorite last year, because he seemed so grouchy to Naive Me. He is buzzard-faced and stern, and asks hard-ball questions about just about every report. This is particularly exciting when someone has just spouted a stream of buzz-word-laden bullshit about community building or some such nonsense. People turn different colors and sweat visibly when Old Dirt turns his eagle eye on them. He never makes cute little jokes. I wanted to go shake his hand afterwards, for 0wn1n9 the m33t1n9 like he did, but I was afraid it would break off in my own iron grip.
Finally, it was time for the student government president to introduce his successor, who in this case was not actually there. He still spoke for several minutes, even bobbing his head as though he was reading a teleprompter. After that, it was my turn to introduce the new Pravda crew chief. "This is New Editor. She's going to be a junior. She'll do good," I said. That was why I'd had to sit there for two hours.
After the meeting was adjourned (I went dead last.), I was like, "time to rock the buffet table." I went downstairs to where the food was, and braving suspicious stares from the caterers, I cased the joint. As usual most of the food available was crab-based, and I was like, "fuck that." I was about to leave, when I noticed that what I'd thought were inexplicable white cheese shreds in a bowl of greenbeans were in actuality... pine nuts!!!
Pine nuts may be my favorite food. If they weren't so expensive, I'd live off them exclusively untiil I got rickets, eat a bucket of oranges, and then go back to the all-pine nut diet.
Unfortunately, dipping into the deliciosity kitty meant further smalltalk with the elderly and the go-getters. The student government president and I and two older men ended up at the same table. I ate the green beans while the older one explained why the faculty should realize that if they want to make more money, they need to bring more money in. Then the other one started reminiscing about his days on the football team. As the story progressed, he found it necessary to keep touching my arm and leaning closer. I didn't hit him, but that's only because then I probably wouldn't have gotten to finish the pine nuts.
posted by Frenz | 4/13/2003 03:40:00 AM
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