Thursday, November 13, 2003 it's none of my business
Today's upside-down hippopatamus offered a couple of takes on love happening between friends, in response to a request for advice. Dishing out unsolicited advice is one of my main hobbies (I once tried to win back an ex-mate by following him around for several months and giving him detailed advice about what I thought his character flaws were, and what he should do to correct them. It didn't work, and last I heard he was dating a sweet young thing with a rather unfortunate thyroid condition.), and even though, in this case, advice was solicited, ain't nobody ask me.
But that was probably an oversight.
Here's whereI would paste in what I had been about to spew into the upside-down hippo's comment box, but, heh, I totally just pasted over it with something inconsequential. Heh.
Abridged version:
The idea of "ruining the friendship" is goddamned ridiculous. It's a fear that I'm convinced people pick up from sitcoms, rather than from actual life experience. Telling someone, politely and casually, that you are interested in having a romantic relationship with hir does not ruin friendships, unless the object of your affection is neurotic. If some one is so flight that they might be frightened away by you menioning that you;d like to be sleep-over friends, that person probably isn't the one you want to date.
Here is what ruins friendships: Person A decides to cultivate his or her crush on person B. Person A, rather than saying "I think you're nice. Lets date," decides to make a noble self-sacrificing gesture for the sake of "the friendship", and lets the crush fester. A begins acting weirder towards B. Finally, at an inappropriate moment, A decides that he or she cannot live with their secret desire for one second more, and confronts B rather dramatically. Booze isn't absolutely necessary, but it really helps, because the confession of true love doesn't have the same oomph when it's not horribly slurred.
Sometimes, B, despite his or her better judgement, hops into a relationship with A, because after a big scene like that, gosh, there must be some reason for all the shouting. Since the foundation of the relationship is essentially laid on emotional blackmail, it crumbles, often in tears and rage. It's hard not to let that ruin a friendship. (I think I've lived this scenario, but I can't remember if I was A or B)
Or: B is kind of creeped out that A has suddenly become the type to get rabid and incoherent, and decides that avoiding A is the best course of action til A cools down and gets rational again. Naturally, A goes insane, and begins further pestering B, or is so ashamed that A begins to avoid B.
I think the key is to keep everything matter-of-fact, friendly, and complimentary. Let B have a chance to say something like "Sorry, not hiring right now, but thanks." If the friendship isn't fun after that, you were never interested in the all-holy friendship itself. posted by Frenz | 11/13/2003 10:09:00 PM
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