Thursday, January 30, 2003 Shit.
Next you'll be telling me that
Jonathan Brandishad a career after 1997. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/30/2003 04:19:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 29, 2003 A troubled reader sounds off!
Dear Moose and Squirrel,
like the angry voice of God I come to tell you that you are wrong, wrong, wrong about poor Zach. Would you just look at this:
http://us.imdb.com/Name?Gosselaar,+Mark-Paul
He's been a regular on NYPD as dorky kid detective John Clark, Jr. for the past few years. And he was in "Dead Man on Campus." What more do you want from this guy?
Dustin Diamond (Screech), on the other hand, what a loser. He can be seen performing stand up comedy and appearing on Star Dates on E!, wherein a has-been or never-really-were is paired with a random shlub. Hilarity ensues.
Ah, Mario Lopez:
He was in the Greg Louganis made for TV movie, as you astutely observed. In addition to his Animal Planet duties, he can be seen on some morning show with Danny Bonaduce and Dick Clark. I forget the name. No one's going to watch that crap anyway. Whoa mama.
Tiffani Thiessen (nee Tiffani-Amber) is vixening around on FOX again on Fastlane. She's gone back to wearing bangs. Elizabeth Berkley was seen in Roger Dodger this past year, which was arty and shit. I don't know if she took off her clothes. She was also in a Woody Allen movie. Hey, it could have been porn.
Lisa Tuttle/Lark Voorhies? Yeah. Not good. I heard she turned to God. But even the Lord can't save her from appearing on Love Boat: the Next Wave.
Leah Remini as Stacey Carosi, she's on some crappy CBS comedy. It's set in Brooklyn I think. She's tough as nails, that gal.
But probably the biggest tragedy going is Dennis Haskins, aka Mr. Belding. His nod to an A-list credit? Max Keeble's Big Move. He also played Toss Honeycut in 2001's Tangy Guacamole. I'm not sure if that's porn or not. Your guess is as good as mine.
So yeah. At least none of these poor slobs are on The Surreal Life on the WB. I guess there's always a next season though. If you need further
clarification, I direct you to Bell Jarred: How Life Got Complicated After High School for a Class of Sitcom Stars
ahoy ahoy,
-your faithful reader posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/29/2003 10:33:00 PM
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I need some Spano, stat!
I see that Mario Lopez, he of Saved By The Bell fame has a hottt new career. He's hosting something like star search for pets on Animal Planet. The commercial showed a pig in people clothes, bowling. If I had a pig, it wouldn't ever be out of people clothes, but I'd like to think I'd stop short of constructing a miniature bowling alley for it.
I'm really glad that one non-Screech member of the Saved by the Bell cast (other than Kelli, that slut) is still in the limelight. I haven't seen Zach since he date-raped DJ from Full House in a made for TV movie. Elizabeth Berkeley, once she got past her crippling caffeine pill addiction made a terrible naked movie. Lisa? Who knows. Leather Jacket, whatever her name was? Who cares? But Slater! I thought he was finished after Breaking the Surface. This is the coolest thing since Will Wheaton was a regular guest on Animal Crack-ups. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/29/2003 11:53:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 28, 2003 Creativity is bunk
I have to read a book about whaling for my history writing class. I can't help but be amused whenever they mention sperm whales, but I learned an interesting fact. They're called sperm whales because the goo in their skull cavities, spermaceti, looks a lot like a big vat of semen. The spermaceti could then be ladled into waiting barrels. Can you think of a grosser image outside of a movie about bukakke? I can't. I mean, I don't want to.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/28/2003 04:43:00 PM
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Monday, January 27, 2003 Early works
This is one of the best poems I have ever written. I was in 8th grade at the time, which was really my golden age as far as poetry is concerned:
I have ten dollars/
(the tooth fairy brought it) but/
now I'm all toothless.
I post it today in honor of my poor, decaying mouth. I was eating breakfast the other day, and I took a big bite of soylent-sausage. Then I bit something hard. I pulled the snausage pulp out of my mouth, expecting to find a piece of gravel or something, because this was at my school cafeteria, and stranger things have happened. Instead, I find a chunk of one of my molars. It just broke off.
Now I'm worried that my other teeth have structural flaws.
I am so pissed. I spent a good 15% of my total waking hours in childhood getting flouride treatments in the terrible rubber mouth-gag, swishing flouride mouthwash around, snacking on big chunks of flouride, and generally living and dying for good dental hygeine. What was I ingesting all the nauseating artificial strawberry flavor for? Fuck all, apparently. I' been robbed. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/27/2003 11:59:00 AM
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Thursday, January 23, 2003 Traitors get (bitten by ali)gators!
So, my shoes are falling apart, and have been for years. They were a pair of fairly shitty little derby boots to begin with, and despite all the hype on the site I bought them from, the soylent green or whatever other leather alternative they are made of falls apart after a moderate amount of scuffing and gouging. I melted a good portion of the soles when I worked as a dishwasher a few summers ago, and retired them to the back of my closet up until the end of the summer.
That's when I met my fashion consultant, who accused me of dressing like a poor girl who tried to by the nicest clothes she could at Bradlees. It hit close to home, since I spent most of middle school doing exactly that. I said, "Fine, you're in charge of fashion," and gave up the struggle of trying to throw an outfit together. He fished my shitty old boots from the back of the closet, and made a strong case for wearing the,m instead of my tasteless nightstalkerish black running shoes.
Now the sole is falling off the right one, and despite repeated transfusions of shoe goo to stick it back on, I think pretty soon I'm going to have to take it ut behind the barn and shoot it.
So, my plan was to get new ones exactly like the old ones. The only problem is, nobody carries them anymore. Lots of sites carry substantially uglier versions, and lots carry very expensive versions. The one site that seems to have the exact model is British, and I haven't brushed up on currency equivalencies lately, but they seem to be "bloody" expensive!
Bear in mind, these were shitty little boots to begin with. I got them because they were non-leather, but supposedly made out of durable, breathable bean curd, so that I wouldnn't get a reeking case of foot rot if I wore them for more than an hour. Also, there was a short novel on the website about how great and humane the boot factory was--unlike the child-mangling sweatshops of the third world, where a Payless version of the same thing would undoubtedly come from.
Now I'm in a fucking tizzy because I'm back at the same old problem that always comes up. I can dress like a hippy or a homebum, but be cruelty-free and save some cash. I can dress stylishly and murder cows and maim little ethnic kids. I can dress stylishly and not support barbarism, but I'll have to rob a bank first, because I'm fucking poor.
Grump.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/23/2003 10:31:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 21, 2003 A/S/L?
My new plan is to "cyber" my way into some new shoes. I'm down to one pair now, and the soles are coming off. Hoboes wouldn't even stew them. That must mean they are in pretty bad shape.
Maybe some rich old pervert or horny 13 year old with acess to his parent's credit card will find this site and take pity on me, if I, you know, talk a little sweet beforehand.
Soon I'll "hook it up" with a link, so you can all (well, both. Hi, Helen. Hi, Aaron.) see the ones I have my rheumy little eye on. The shoes, not the perverts. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/21/2003 04:36:00 PM
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Thursday, January 16, 2003 Proudly annunciating...
I shall despoil your blog no longer! I thought the beauty of tampons was to render your reproductive potential null and void? That's what chemicals are for! Down with babies! Except for snacking purposes. Anyway, I have my own forum for spewing rabid rhetoric now! Please do visit Vomitola!
It's been swell, stay above the treeline! posted by Licketysplit | 1/16/2003 05:35:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 15, 2003 What shrieks and pecks and isn't Mom?
So, recently, on the same vacation my parents have told me (in all seriosity) they suspect was a drug-running expedition (long, bizarre story), me and my mate stumbled onto The Chicken Store: A little shop devoted to chicken rescue.
There I found out that roosters really do make cockadoodle-doo noises. One of the many reasons they need rescuing is that they make this noise pretty much constantly, and the locals, most of whom seem to be hungover a whole lot, get a little tired of it.
I really can't do justice to the sight of wild chickens running around loose. They're bigger than most cats, and they tend to run in little flocks. No one had told either the mate or I about any of this. I had promised him that if we went to sunny Florida over the semester break, he would see lizards running wild, and right up until Key West, I felt like a swindler, because we hadn't seen even one. We both agreed, though, that wild chickens are ten times cooler than wild lizards.
For one thing, wild lizards aren't so malformed and ridiculous when they're half-grown. In the chicken store, they have a lot of those half baby chick, half adult monster beasts, and they have little coin-operated gumball machines full of chicken feed. I spent a ridiculous amount of quarters in there, and didn't even get too severely pecked.
I tried to conceive of a way my landlord wouldn't mind if I brought home a gypsy rooster, but I couldn't, so I left empty handed. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/15/2003 09:37:00 PM
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Don't bow down to your corporate overlords a second longer
Dear Sis,
Haven't you read all the feminist rhetoric on why tampons are toxic? Think of all the terrible dyes and toxins associated with a pink Hello Kity tampon! She has no mouth, but I must scream. No, what all the moon-goddess-worshipping sex-positive Ren Faire attendees tout are sea sponges. Yes, from the sea.
I was just down in Key West, and I picked up a ton of them. A squatter girl's doberman ate a few, but the rest are still creepily organic and healthy. I can send some up, but be sure to wash out the sea! It'll be like your nethers are on a tropical vacation every single month.
I can't believe the nerve of those patriarhal oppressors who would have us believe that something produced in a soulless factory is more suitable for the source of our moon-blood then a piece of the goddess's creation you can pick up along with fishbones and old soda cans at the tideline.
If I can, I'll post some pictures of my new sponge family relaxing at a friend's appartment soon.
--CK
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/15/2003 09:31:00 PM
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Thursday, January 09, 2003 New, In Bleeding
Letter sent via Tampax.com:
Dear Tampax,
have you ever thought of producing a cuter tampon? My friend and I were just discussing that we might be more enthusiastic about using them if you made menstruation *fun*, something to look forward to. Some suggestions: colors and shapes of the actual cotton tampon itself, perhaps a cute little mouse, or a tulip. I suspect that this would do pretty well in Asian markets as well, what with school girls and their obsessions with cute cell phones and Sanrio characters. Hey, you could do Hello Kitty tampons! I would definitely buy those and so would my pal. Please let me know if you need to test market such a product. I eagerly anticipate exciting new developments from Tampax.
Thanks for your time,
-HK
I can't wait to purchase little yellow and pink marshmallow peep style tampons! You?
gliding like a whale,
-lemuel posted by Licketysplit | 1/09/2003 05:48:00 PM
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Monday, January 06, 2003 You're still own3d!
you never know when I'll pop in to get all up in your shiznit! I'm like the Prime Minister of Canada: an unseen evil presence. Let that be a lesson to you! Fo' shizzle. Yes, I'm getting hitched. If you aren't careful, I will make you be in it and wear the lamest frilly frock ever invented.
No hatin' on my Beyonce.
xxoo
-ellie mae posted by Licketysplit | 1/06/2003 03:38:00 PM
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The so-called rebellion is at an end. Return to your homes.
The cowardly and foolish Hellenites have fled to the hills, babbling in their strange tongues about the "Rocks that they got." A fleeing tribeswoman was heard to wail "I'mah B'eyonce." Our translation experts have yet to decode this strange cry. Is this a call to further conflict, or is my sister getting hitched? Congratulations.
I've been busy, so I guess it's partially my fault rebels occupied my blog. Legal difficulties and fun-filled vacationing have really taken up most of my time. I advise partaking in the latter, but not the former.
So, I'm really bad at blogging, because I don't actually go online too much when I'm not in school. I thought about including a link to the sites I use to check my e-mail, but that seemed a big letdown after the children of cousins site. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/06/2003 12:53:00 PM
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Sunday, January 05, 2003 Ay yi yi
Well, Day 5 is pretty grim. Got some bad news yesterday...my friend's new fiance is being deployed to some undiclosed location in the middle east in less than a week. He's in the reserves, not regular military. Usually they get 2 weeks notice, so who knows what kind of shit is about to happen if they are stepping it up like that. Thanks GW. Let's ruin more people's lives for a largely unfounded and unpopular action.
Also unsettling, in a totally different way: CuzKids. Yes, you guessed it, a site for the children of cousins. If that's not enough for you, you can play Who Wants to Be a Kissing Cousin???. The extraneous punctuation indicates quality!
Ok, I gotta go chase the cat, she's been baiting me!
posted by Licketysplit | 1/05/2003 01:03:00 PM
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Saturday, January 04, 2003 Dateline: Hellenite-occupied Carasblogistan
You really should spell your name with a K so that would have worked better!
Yes folks, things are tense here on Day 4. Dan Rather keeps whining for an interview. I shut him down with a well-timed "What's the frequency, Kenneth!" He blanched if I do say so myself (and I do). The Red Cross relief people are pretty pesky too. They want to get shots of me draped in blankets leading a goat around.
So not too many doings today....the weather continues to suck, and I have to sally forth and see my pal's new engagement ring and eat some tasty sushi from Osushi. But I ain't fooled by the rocks that she got! She's still, she's still.... yeah you get the idea.
We have late-breaking reports that Cara has been spotted in South Florida! "People really live that way!" In fact the whole state of Florida seems to live that way. Let's just hope she can get it together in time to make a heroic return and rally her people. They need some elevatin'. And I need a Diet Coke.
xxoo
-yer sister posted by Licketysplit | 1/04/2003 11:44:00 AM
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Friday, January 03, 2003 Day 3 of the occupation...
So, you're still on the loose, denying content to all the boys and girls. As if I can come up with any. Hmmm... I have some old bananas on my desk, maybe all your faithful readers (there are some, RIGHT?) can suggest some tasty recipes. Old Banana Flambée anyone? Speaking of such preparation methods, you must read this story. Contains cannibals! The singing, the dancing, the slaughtering!
Other than the cannibalism, I just don't know what to tell you people. It's going to snow some more, which means I might break my ass walking home tonight. Wow, independent content creation is *tough*. This is harder than starting that screenplay. I guess I'll cross my fingers and hope that the cannibalism will carry me through.
In other news, my roommate told me about a "drinking game" all the kids are playing. It involves: downing 2 tequila shots, then chugging a long island iced tea, then polishing off a Midori sour. Right...I guess it's called "drag her back to your cave" or maybe "in case the rophyenol doesn't work." I'm old. Thank god.
xxoo
-yer sister
posted by Licketysplit | 1/03/2003 01:26:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 01, 2003 And...stop! On a Whammy!
You've been blog-jacked for egregious failure to post! So I volunteer as your loving sister to take up the slack until you get around to doing it again. Yes, you can go right back in and delete me (but change the password this time :P ). Go on, I won't be offended!
Hmm...now that I have all of this instantaneous self-publishing power, what shall I talk about? It's like a small orphan wailing in the wilderness, no? I could talk about what I got for Christmas. Thanks to you, I got a Kylie Minogue CD and The Corrections in fabulous trade paperback form. And a calendar featuring ironic retro food advertising. Yes, I thought you'd be scandalized. I am also the proud recipient of a cell phone more powerful than my laptop.
But anyway, you do make yourself scarce these days. You missed a crazy Christmas. Reading The Corrections only depresses me more. They are all insane just like our parents! It hurts, I tell you.
So yeah, actual *content*. That's kind of a tall order. Why not go and check out Secretly Ironic? Neurotic views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the management, but as Aaron said, it's like he pooped in the potty for the first time. Well, he just installed MT. Same thing.
Ok, gotta go be depressed about going back to work tomorrow.
xxoo
-yer sister posted by Licketysplit | 1/01/2003 09:09:00 PM
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