Wednesday, February 25, 2004 In the heat of the night, we are having a fiesta
It is still cold. If my poor non-metallic blood isn't to freeze in my veins, I may need some Swedish pop. Stat.
I was in a store today, and I heard one clerk say to another, "Spring has definitely sprung." She was lying.
I've been shopping for coats, but all the coats are very sad and ugly, and I hate them. So I've been cute, but so very, very shivery. Shopping! by the way. I never shop. I walk around in ragged clothes, in hopes someone will think I'm an orphan and give me a large cash prize. So far, it hasn't worked, and I'm beginning to think it's not going to, so I've been stockpiling new socks. Other things, also, natch, but socks are so important in this terrible climate. It's all I can do to keep from twirling around singing "pretty, pretty, pretty."
Which brings me to another obstacle that stands in the way of living in an urban center: it turns out I talk to myself on public transportation. It's not the bitter, sustained mutter or the torrent of invective that seem to be very popular among mass transit speakers. Just every now and then, I have outbursts.
Rather than Tourette's-like shouting, I find I'm just, you know, speaking at a normal volume--for one syllable, after which point I catch myself, and swallow the rest of whatever I had in mind to say. I get lost in my thoughts sometimes, and forget that I am not alone. Or, I forget that I am alone, because I am rehashing some past conversation that went badly, except this time I'm winning. I know at least one other person who does this as well (outbursts and all) , and I expect that there may be more. Still, I'm not necessarily sure I want to expose the public to this kind of thing.
Oh, but you know what? I have gathered further evidence in my case against Florida. Aparently, 'gators aren't the only things you have to worry about when you go swimming in natural bodies of water down there.
"Snakes?" I guessed. "Snapping turtles?" (this lead to further conversation on the terrifying and evil nature of snapping turtles)
But it wasn't!
Do you know what you have to worry about in some parts of Florida?
Ottters! As I told my reliable source, I've seen Jungle Jack Hanna on Letterman a time or two, and I know that otters are not for petting, but I had no idea that they would just swim right up to you and bite you. Apparently they are savage. Those Nature Conservancy people have just been misleading the world for years. The t-shirts always show playful little weaselly doggy waterbears cracking shellfish on their tummies. (Surely nothing with a tummy could be vicious.) Instead, they should show the little scamps mauling people. Maybe then people would think twice about not cutting up their plastic soda can rings, if they thought a sharp-toothed goon squad might pay them a little "visit." posted by Frenz | 2/25/2004 01:43:00 AM
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