Saturday, January 31, 2004 This is not a hazard
My friends who are housing me right now have fireplace in their living room. Clearly, we must burn things. So today we spent the afternoon in a certain park, collecting firewood. This is not necessarily legal, but if we were questioned, we figured we'd tell the park ranger that we were MICA students looking for sculpture materials. Presumably, this would let them drop any ugly allegations of deforestation.
Now the living room is filled with the sticks and branches we were able to break off some dead trees (they were really dead. I could tell because they were fairly dramaticaly uprooted on the ground.). The local cats have been hiding in them.
I'm leery of fireplaces, because I don't know of anyone who has one that functions perfectly. I'd prefer that we not asphixiate tonight. On the other hand, it's saturday, and there's nothing on television.
I'm trying to hoard all my books for the study, and it's a bummer, because I want to read them now. I'd planned on bringing tweezers and finally getting my eyebrows in check, but my tweezers are in another state, and I'm not even sure which one. Moving is a goddamn curse.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/31/2004 07:05:00 PM
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Friday, January 30, 2004 My dating weight
I have an idle couple of days ahead of me, and then I go into the study, where idleness is practically mandatory. I suppose I could run around the research unit in my hospital slippers, but I won't, and I know that. It would probably annoy the other study people. And I don't like physical activity.
When I was down in Key West, I realized just how out of shape I was when a day or two of walking around made my legs incredibly sore. Like, crippled-up sore. I decided I needed to be less sedentary, and so I spent the rest of the vacation trying ridiculous things.
I tried beach volley ball. (I don't thing there's anything more ridiculous.) Naturally, it was nothing more than a ghastly redux of middle school, when I had to have tutoring. In gym.
I'd been homeschooled for a number of years, and I lived in a relatively child-free subdivision. I didn't get out much, and when I did, I'd do things like ride my bike over to the big drainage pipe and walk around in there. Team sports were a mystery to me, so my gym teacher took to pulling me out of study hall to coach me on how to serve a volley ball or avoid hitting myself in the forehead with a plastic lacrosse stick.
It didn't take. I was not an asset to my beach volley ball team. If I were presented with a lacrosse stick tomorrow, I doubt I'd come through any encounter with it unscathed.
Still, by the time the (suddenly) former mate and I left Key West, I felt pretty good about my new slightly less lumpish lifestyle. Unfortunately, It was winter in most of the country, including Virginia. I abandoned my plan to do things other than sitting quietly and relaxing in a reclined position.
A while back, in the time of the idiotic move to Delaware, my kind-hearted former landlord took me on a tour of the townhouse where the then-mate and I would end up sharing with him and his hyperactive eight-year-old for most of my senior year of college. In the bedroom that he'd cleared out in order to rent to strangers, he pointed to the pull-up bar bolted to the ceiling. "I put that in to get a little excercise," he said. Then he patted his tummy and said something about his "dating weight."
I was so puzzled. I understood that one would want to be more attractive, in order to pick up people that one also found attractive, but the idea of dating requirements seemed so absurd.
Now it's the concept of dating in general that gets me. I don't think I've gone on a date since my junior year of high school. I've done a lot of "hanging out" and some "breaking and entering an unjustly warehoused public building" and some "ill-advised and nearly instant cohabitation," but rarely a "date". I've certainly gone to dinners and movies and things with significant other, but somehow it seems like it doesn't count. The point of a date is to impress (the pants off of!) the person one is taking out. Once the relationship begins, you might as well walk around in a house coat and curlers. One no longer goes on dates. One goes on outings.
I don't know. I feel like I'm still blinking and puzzled when it comes to my own future, but it's all fascinating. I just can't necesarily see myself participating in the world the way other people do. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/30/2004 11:39:00 PM
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Thursday, January 29, 2004 You'll hardly know I'm here
Last night the former mate and I emptied out the apartment, and this morning we stumbled out of bed and went on to Baltimore for another round of pokes and nosy questions from the study people. Bless them, every one, and bless the checks I will get for all of this in the end.
The former mate continued to New Jersey, where he belongs.
Bless him, too, really. Last night we spent a lot of time reminiscing about classic jokes we had.
Jokes may be a misleading term. We'd spin out these scenarios around various characters, and then build on them until we'd created whole dorky worlds. We weren't a good couple, but we'll miss each other.
Of course, we won't get an oppourtunity to miss one another too much until after he comes back and we've been locked in the hospital together with six strangers. I disgraced myself in the eyes of the study boss today by forgetting the stool sample collection kit (ingenious, in its own creepy and gross way).
I had to have a friend take me back for it. Boy, was my face red.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/29/2004 06:23:00 PM
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004 I'm sorry
There are no cats here today. A bad man came and took them. The former mate tells me he's going to turn them into hats and meat, because we didn't love them enough. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/27/2004 06:20:00 PM
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back to the orphanage
If everything goes as planned tomorrow, the thrift store will be coming to pick up the furniture in the morning, and a cat man will be coming for the cats in the afternoon. I wish the two events could switch timeslots, because kitties tend to hate any sort of rearranging of heavy objects.
The good news is that they aren't going into cages.
The bad news: I asked the cat man, "So, you're taking them to your house, to stay with you until they can find a home?" and he said, "Well, yeah. I mean, when you already have seven cats--heh-what's two more?"
Bless his heart, I guess.
Still, the monsters are unused to sharing the spotlight, and they still need a permanent home as soon as possible. They'll probably organize the other cats into a gang and eat that poor cat man if they're left in that environment too long, especially if tries to get Obesiecat to stick to its kitty diet.
And seriously, what's two more cats? Especially if you have no cats whatsoever? Look alive, people.
The cat man is making you look bad.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/27/2004 02:06:00 AM
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Monday, January 26, 2004 Disco Party!
The terrible neighbors are having some sort of illegal rave next door. It is 2 PM on a monday. They are playing something very monotonous.
The other day a downstairs neighbor came up to tsk at the former mate and I for "making noise all day", when in fact we'd been out of town.
Later, I figured out that the pipes had been banging. Luckily, I didn't put that together at the time, and hinted broadly that whatever it was, the terrible neighbors were to blame. They probably are. They bring the storms and cold.
I hear them coughing wetly through the walls, and I hear them trying to bum food, rides, and above all cigarettes from the neighbors in the hallway.
Terrible Neighbor: Excuuuuuuuse me....
Polite Foreign National Neighbor: Pliz, no. Pliz. I have nothink for you. Nothink--goodbye.
(sound of hurrying feet)
(sound of plodding terrible feet, following after)
Terrible Neighbor: (plaintively) *wheeze, wheeze* Not one cigarette?
(sound of door slamming)
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/26/2004 02:13:00 PM
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Down with:
enthusiasm. Up with: thoughtful silence.
It snowed all day today, and as usual, the city was paralyzed. People abandoned the day's goals and plans in order cower indoors, away from areas of reduced traction.
Not I. My plan was to stay in the house in my pajamas anyway.
I called increasingly distant acquaintances about the cats. Everyone I know seems to have developed sudden allergies, but a couple of people said they might know someone who might possibly want a couple of cats.
I hope the snow (and ice, and sleet) doesn't interfere with the furniture pick-up on Tuesday. In hindsight, it may've been imprudent to schedule it for the last minute like that. On the other hand, it didn't seem worth it to live in a furnitureless house for the last week here.
A local thrift store is taking everything that we haven't already given away to various neighbors. Since the previous tenant kicked most of the stuff down to us anyway, it doesn't feel like a loss to get rid of it. Even if I had decided on a specific destination for after the dysentary study, it would probably be cheaper to get new (secondhand) furniture than to hire a truck and transport everything.
Oh, giant console TV and hideous loveseat, I hardly knew you.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/26/2004 03:20:00 AM
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Friday, January 23, 2004 guiltcats
The former mate and I are leaving town in less than a week, and our efforts, combined with those of the cat ladies, have still not found a permanent home for Obesiecat and The Other Cat.
One lady came and looked at them, and played with them, and talked baby talk to them, and touched their little feet. This went on for an hour, and my hopes were high. Except she was supposed to come back today, dragging her boyfriend (who doesn't even live with her) in tow. She wandered out the door, and I haven't heard from her again. Or her stupid boyfriend either.
The cat ladies will find some place to board them, so it's not like they're going out onto the street.
I feel really bad, though. They've been treated like people for seven months, and the idea of them going back into cages for a while makes me sick.
None of my foolish ideas for what to do with the rest of my life after the study is conducive to living with kitties. For the next couple months, I'm going to be couch surfing in one place or another, and even if the cats wouldn't be incredibly upset by being dragged around from town to town, the places I might be staying tend to have territorial animals of their own.
Gah. I'm such a sucker.
Again: anyone within a couple hundred miles of Richmond, VA who might want to live with a pair of good, grownup cats who have to stay together and have to live indoors, please e-mail me. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/23/2004 05:04:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004 Little Ashley Pearson
I like to think that the little girl whose saccharine message Bush used to fill time during the State of the Union address was actually a slightly dotty older woman who lives in a group house with several other wisecracking retirees, because there was a very good episode of the Golden Girls about that.
In reality, though, I think she is just a terrible little girl. I know her kind. She probably steals cookie sales from her fellow Girl Scouts.
Why, that was such a heartwarming story, I hardly noticed all that fol-de-rol about "using the constitutional process" to block gay marriage. Oh, and all the God references.
I hope all those Republican knees are sore from the constant and irrational standing ovations. Also, I hope they all fell down the stairs when they got home. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/21/2004 10:18:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004 gird
Today I have to dispose of some of the former mate's collected bacon fat, then go to DMV and wait and wait in order to pay an unspecified amount of money.
I woke up in the middle of the night, parched and disoriented, to find that someone had cranked the thermostat up to 90.
Later, I discovered the window in the room where that person was sleeping was open.
One week left in the apartment.
I'm still going to miss living here. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/20/2004 10:24:00 AM
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Sunday, January 18, 2004 Brain food
Today I broke down and got a certain much-hyped book on Writing. It's proabbly a waste, since I've read half the thing in the bookstore over the course of various visits. I keep getting interested in it, and then hating it.
The author is clever, and keeps popping out with cute observations. She might be edgy. I don't know how to handle that in flesh and blood people, and I feel like I shouldn't have to handle it in print people. Print people should never, ever project the air that they are about to give you a playful sock in the arm.
I'm making some pretty broad assumptions, but I imagine this author as being petite. I'm never fully at ease around the petite and energetic, even though I'm not really so huge and slothful as I could be. When I'm exposed to this type of person, I have visions of the Lilliputians tying down Gulliver, and border collies running over the backs of sheep.
When these border collies are yipping about how it's totally OK to write reams and reams of crap, because these will somehow resolve themselves into quality fiction after the gentlest of editorial touches, and when these border collies mention that they knew they would be writers, because they have always been natural storytellers, I feel the need to bellow with inarticulate rage and fear, and lash out with my mighty paws.
Natural storytellers! Feh! Let 'em write in to the Readers Digest.
I like unnatural stories.
Still, I got the book. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/18/2004 01:09:00 AM
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Friday, January 16, 2004 gloom
It turns out the cats are not getting new people. The lady who wanted them couldn't convince her husband that they really needed a couple of cats. Also, he wanted a younger, cuter cat.
I don't know what I'm going to do. In some ways it's not my responsibility, because I only agreed to foster them. On the other hand, I've gotten really attached, and I feel like I'm abandoning them.
I think tomorrow I'm going to try to make fliers with cute kitty pictures to put up at work. Most of my co-workers are trollish, and I wouldn't trust them, but it's worth a shot, I guess.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/16/2004 07:53:00 PM
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Everyone's getting a miniature sweater!
The cats have a date with a potential new mommy and daddy this saturday. Or that's what the cat lady hopes, anyway. I listened to a very excited message from her, saying she'd found people who were interested, and could they please come to the apartment on Saturday?
I'd been planning to get a few extra hours at the hated call center. Technically, I still can, since the cat lady still has my key, and wouldn't mind bringing strangers in, if the cause of kitty well-being would be advanced. I can't say as I really mind either, because the apartment is laughably devoid of valuable to begin with, and right now some friendly theft would just make moving easier.
Still, I'll probably drop the ex-mate at work and come back to try and present the cats in the best light possible. "Come on, kitty. Do you cute thing. No, do it. Damnit, kitty! You are never getting fed again, Unadoptable."
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/16/2004 04:03:00 AM
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004 Oh, how I hate him
What's worse than being locked in the hospital fr 9-12 days with a possible case of dysentary?
Well, working in a call center, for one.
Other than that?
Being locked in there with the former mate, who viciously distracted me from my blog, and took over the previous post.
We're not getting along badly.
But I hate him.
Kidding, kidding. I think. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/14/2004 07:05:00 PM
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i am so gay. today, i did some gay bullshit. also. i was a terrible girlfriend. That's why Tits broke up with me. Because of my insistance on not haveing fun, my unwillingness to follow orders, and my brokeness. That said, i have further resolved to quit being so lame, do all the household chores, and to give tits a lofty allowance. Also, he can sleep with all the prety young teenagers he wants to. Hopefully, Tits will come back to me, after i prove myself worthy by accomplishing these goals. Without Tits i am a lost little nothing.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/14/2004 06:07:00 PM
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The jaws of victory
Crack open the bubbly and sound the tin horn, because I am totally getting paid to poop!
Provided I have no subclinical infections or other problems that might show up in blood work. I'm healthy as a wildebeest, though, so I'm not too worried. Still, I don't want to jinx it.
The former mate and I went up to get screened to be alternates...and it turned out that somehow, two spaces had opened up in the study. We questioned A., the secret boss of the study, and it turns out that Phil is merely a figurehead. A. has all the power, and she likes us.
Rather, she likes our friends who have already, er, passed through, so to speak. They are friendly and dependable people, and they don't lie when they say they are drug free. This knocked A.'s socks off, and so we have an in.
The bad news:
Dude.
Dysentary.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/14/2004 05:59:00 PM
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004 We'll fly down to Peru
Today the false-hearted Phil, the dysentary study boss, called to say that tomorrow we'll only be screening as alternates, because he's already booked the february group. I hate him.
On the other hand, a friend of mine was signed up as an alternate for this month's study, and she got in. I figure I'll just put up a few crude cardboard "study cancelled" signs outside the hospital on the day we're supposed to go in, and then people will turn away, and I'll get all the dysentary and all the money!
Really, I don't want the dysentary, but the cash would be so nice.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/13/2004 04:44:00 PM
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Monday, January 12, 2004 This is a gang
The word is out that the dysentary study might not be as full as the study recruiter likes to let on. The coy prick. The group that went in today was almost short a person (which would mean cancelling the study), because one subject, after his blood work, discreetly ducked out of the hospital to go and get a haircut.
I have to go to Baltimore to get screened for the February study day after tomorrow. Tonight I have to work. Dysentary sounds so much more appealing.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/12/2004 04:51:00 PM
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This is worse than the time I got worms
After weeks of inaction, yesterday I broke down and wiped my operating system and then reinstalled it. Now I don't have as many oppourtunities to view pornography or buy spyware protection software, but the computer works relatively well again.
Still, there's the lingering loose-woman shame of having contracted internet parasites.
Today, the battery in my car was dead, because either the former mate or I left the dome light on all night.
I hate the car. The only thing I hate worse is the prospect of trying to find a new one. Something will turn up, I'm sure. I may take up walking, although that seems a little rash.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/12/2004 03:04:00 AM
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This is worse than the time I got worms
After weeks of inaction, yesterday I broke down and wiped my operating system and then reinstalled it. Now I don't have as many oppourtunities to view pornography or buy spyware protection software, but the computer works relatively well again.
Still, there's the lingering loose-woman shame of having contracted internet parasites.
Today, the battery in my car was dead, because either the former mate or I left the dome light on all night.
I hate the car. The only thing I hate worse is the prospect of trying to find a new one. Something will turn up, I'm sure. I may take up walking, although that seems a little rash.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/12/2004 03:04:00 AM
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Sunday, January 11, 2004 Obesie-Cat!
I've been overfeeding the pets for a while, because I need love. When I was in Key West, the cat ladies intervened and put the waddling happy cats on diet. Now they still waddle, and they yowl at me, because I will not give them fatty and delicious discount kitty food. Nothing but expensive dietetic slop for them.
I really wish the cats could come with me when I move out of here at the end of the month, but I'm not really sure what I'm doing with myself after that.
The Big Plan to Move to California for Some Reason went phfft.
The kitties might have enjoyed that one, because I was sure to end up homeless (like, for real) if I'd gone through with it, and kitties love sleeping in cardboard boxes.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/11/2004 12:23:00 AM
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Saturday, January 10, 2004 me me me me me
New Year's resolution:
Eat more bread.
This is part of my plan to get fatter.
In actuality
I have no such plan
but bread is delicious.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/10/2004 10:51:00 PM
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Monday, January 05, 2004 The old barnacles of hatred
In this town, people hand out poems they have written themselves about the need to reconcile with Cuba. They ask me where the weed's at (not with me, much to their disappointment). Everyone here has either a giant dog or a tiny one.
I am sick. I have some kind of cold-flu thing, and I feel like ass, but no coughing, so I think I may have missed out on viral pneumonia like Helen's got over at vomitola.
In the past three days, i have seen three different wild hens herding fluffy baby chickies around. It is very pleasant.
Soon, most of the chickens are due to be deported, because they make a colossal noise. It seems foolish, because the tourists do seem to enjoy the local color. Chickens are way colorful.
I was almost brave enough to go swimming the other day, but I cowardiced out. All along the shore, in between piles of decaying brown sea weed, there were jellyfish. Some were as small as spool of thread, but I saw others the size of softball. I can't stand the idea of one of the bumping up against me while I swim, even if I don't get stung.
A traveling kid kicked me down a copy of "Tales from Shakespeare" by the British scholars Charles and Mary Lamb. I'd been geeking out on it, but I lost it yesterday. It was foolish to put it in the compartment of my bag that forcibily ejects most items.
I hope I get well in time for my study screening in a week or two. It would be so, so sad if I were denied because I already had dystentary. Luckily, my problems right now all seem to be snot-related.
Oh, man. That hot dog guy is really creepy. I see him lure teenage boys into his camper. Presumably with hot dogs.
posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/05/2004 04:04:00 PM
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