Thursday, June 02, 2005 The things I get up to
Usually, I don't take cabs, but today I was trying to go screen for a study, and I had no idea how to get to the hospital on public transit. The internet failed me, and i had to leave right then, or else I would be late for my appointment. Too much time at my beauty parlor job has made me appreciate that there is something badly wrong with people who miss appointments without calling to cancel. (I was really, really tempted to blow it off anyway, but I need a new pair of shoes.)
Also, the nice doctor had been so pleasant on the phone. It was his study, and he was so happy that someone was willing to come in and try out to do the ridiculous things he has planned.
I rode in the cab, and the driver glared backwards at me most of the ride. I didn't blame him: one of The Rules is that anyone in a service job is allowed to hate their customers. I tried to ignore it, and I kept watching the meter. I had nine dollars, and when the meter rolled over to eight, I asked how much further we had to go. He kind of grunted, so I had him stop and tell me how to walk the rest of the way. I gave him the nine dollars, and slunk out of the cab.
I followed his grudging, mumbled directions for a long time, through industrial noweheresville. I took a wrong turn once, but a man helped me find the hospital. When I got there, I was disgusting, but I figured that if somebody didn't want to be around disgusting, filthy people, they wouldn't go into medicine, and they damn sure wouldn't go for a job where they had to associate with human guinea pigs.
I apologized for being so late (half an hour! I felt really bad.), and the doctor and the research assistant just shrugged it off. I screened. They put a mask on me and then had me practice breathing while the either blew air through it at a higher than usual pressure, then sucked it out at negative pressure. I did just fine. I'm a great breather.
This nice doctor's study doesn't pay enough. Aside from having me sleep in the mask, they're going to measure how floppy my airways are (Airways not floppy! Airways like iron! Like animal!). They are also going to run little wires through my neck. I will be so x-treme.
Obviously, these dudes are effin' crazy. The thing is, I could do shorter studies for less money, but they would be in facilities that recreate the experience of riding a crowded bus for two days straight, or I could go and let these polite but crazy guys pierce my neck and watch me as I sleep, and do it in an air-conditioned private room. Whatevs.
On the way out, they gave me cab fare, but it was totally scraped together from their lunch money, because some of it was in change. They love me at that research facility. Cara-u-star.
I came up with a wacky-female-comedian-style joke about the consent form, too. You may enjoy it.
The consent form lists what-all they have planned for you, and tells you what certain terms mean, and then a page later, they go into the risks of each procedure. This was my favorite part of the consent form:
f.Anthropometrics: You will be asked to wear a patient gown for these measurements of body fat. We will measure your height, weight, waist, hip and neck circumference using a cloth measuring tape. This takes about 10 minutes.
Then later, they tell you the risks, like "placing the fine wires through the skin of the chin into the tongue may cause some discomfort."
Are you ready for the joke? That wasn't it, yet, although I agree: that was rich.
Anthropometrics: There are no risks associated with these measurements.
Here I must add: What about the very real risk of bumming me out????
(That was the joke, but it was just for humorous purposes, and I don't really mean it. That's just what I'd be required by law to say if I were a wacky female comedian. Comedienne. Gross.) posted by Frenz | 6/02/2005 06:43:00 PM
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