Monday, February 28, 2005 What day is it?
It's gothic monday, like casual friday. So cold. So much eyeliner. Also, at yesterday's product knowledge class, I learned about an item that the instructor promised would swell my hair to "300 times" its usual size. He quoted this figure in dead earnest. I appreciate that. It's important to be earnest on gothic mondays.
The cat pictured is the new cat. posted by Frenz | 2/28/2005 05:39:00 PM
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Sunday, February 27, 2005 oh, grow up
The soles of my shoes were full of glass last night. Today, my arms are bruised, and my ribs are a little sore. I guess I was hoping for a black eye, if I was going to get injured. I was going to tell everyone at the beauty parlor that I got in a fight, and that "She had it coming."
No black eyes, though, except in the literal sense, because I didn't successfully remove the eight pounds of eye makeup I applied yesterday. There is no justice in the way I always look ten times better the morning after an evening out then I do when I've just spent a half hour carefully tousling my hair and making my eyes look effortlessly smoky. Then I stink like beer and cigarettes and I have to shower and look all cleancut again. No wonder I never score: either I'm sultry or fresh-smelling, but never both at once.
Anyway: there was this man? and I saw him walk out on top of a crowd of people, and there he stood and he played his guitar without ceasing until he got bored and walked back onto the stage like a regular dude. That man's name was Guitar Wolf, and this happened at the Ottobar.
Then today I had to go to a product knowledge class at work. Ask me about shampoo. Then ask me about motivational cliches. Then ask me about ways to mime "Are they fucking kidding me?" to coworkers across a crowded room without detection. Surely it wasn't written in letters of fire in the air above my head. No one would suspect that I wasn't all concerned about the right products for a given hair type. posted by Frenz | 2/27/2005 09:37:00 PM
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Friday, February 25, 2005 stop fucking snowing
It's not even snowing right now, but I mean it, full stop, for the year. It may snow again next winter, but now it is spring. Crocuses are budding, and my antlers are getting velvety.
In a few minutes, I take "get to work challenge", where I may make a decision at the last minute whether to walk to work with 4 or however many inches of snow on the ground, or to gamble that the bus won't be lost in a snowbank and, therefore, half an hour late to my stop.
In other news, I gave the new cat some of my oatmeal this morning, because he seemed to sincerely want it, but then he just ate a few bites out of politeness and walked away to howl at the cabinets. I was too hasty, and I now regret my actions, because it is too late to make more oatmeal, and I taught the new cat a bad lesson about how begging works. posted by Frenz | 2/25/2005 08:52:00 AM
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Thursday, February 24, 2005 Free love on the freelove freeway
What's up, day off? I didn't expect to see you this early in the morning. I'm awake, and nobody's around, either in my house or on instant messenger. I have one of the awful rock songs that Ricky Gervais' character sings on The Office stuck in my head. The love is free, and the road is long.
Later today, we're playing the prank of the century on the cat. We've been asking her, "DO YOU WANT A LITTLE BROTHER???" over and over again, but she doesn't speak jive, so I bet she's still not expecting the new cat. I can't wait. She is going to hell of pee on somebody's stuff over this one. I'm shutting my door. No whammies.
I think we may be geting a new human roommate as well. I think we rented him a hall closet or something. I'm not sure what-all's happening, but whatever.
What's up, snow? Are you trying to make me mad? It's not working. I'm in a good mood, for reasons I will not disclose in this space.
Pretty soon, I'm going to have no choice but to work on the Manhattan Project I'm doing with Licketysplit. Luckily, she did all the work already, at least on this most recent and entirely problematic step of it. All I need to do is nitpick, and I'm really good at that. posted by Frenz | 2/24/2005 09:37:00 AM
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005 lazy
If I'm ever so rich and so dumb that I have a house like on "Cribs", I want to get downstairs by log flume, and upstairs by ski lift.
I certainly won't walk to work, like I'm bullying myself into doing today. Now, let's go, sits-a-lot. posted by Frenz | 2/23/2005 08:55:00 AM
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Monday, February 21, 2005 weekend parking, and how it was
This weekend an out of town guest parked a few blocks away from the house. Later, as our household and our visitors were rollin' 10 deep* to Indian Buffet, the out of town guest made us all detour over to his car, so that we could look at his parking job. His rear bumper was less than a hands-breadth** away from the car behind his, and his front bumper was maybe ten inches away from the car in front.
"They must have moved it," he said, disappointed. Just then, a nearby house door opened, and a woman came out, balancing a large infant on her hip. Her gorgeous designer dog bounded behind her. She kept asking our guest how he did it. He played it off like, "I know! I certainly am awesome" as she surreptitiously checked her bumper for scrapes. Then other nine of us stood around nodding.
If it had been me, I would've apologized or something, and that would've been all wrong. That's how you can tell that ol' guest is smart: he's in MENSA, which up until recently I had thought was a fictional organization. It turns out they are fact, not fiction. They are so real they have their own VISA card for members. Ever since I found that out, I've been saying "With rates like that, you'd have to be STUPID not to apply," and laughing. That's why I'm not in MENSA, probably.
*swingin' on the flippity flop
**one liter posted by Frenz | 2/21/2005 10:16:00 PM
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Dear Ann Landers
Although my big trip to Mexico is on hold right now, can I tell you why I wanted to go? In a country where I don't speak the language, it seems like it would be impossible for me to get offended by other people's quirks of phrasing. Here in America, this is becoming increasingly fucking problematic. Does this make me an awful person?
--Bothered in Baltimore posted by Frenz | 2/21/2005 08:53:00 AM
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Friday, February 18, 2005 suckers
What's up, readership? Did you know this was a BLOG? Good: you're getting what's coming to you.
Oh, my Jesus, my head hurts. Ow, ow, ow. I'd stop staring at the screen, but that doesn't help. Ow. Jesus. Ow. I better be growing antlers. There's no other way to justify this. Maybe I'm developing death-ray eyes. That would be fine, too. But maybe I had two (2) giant cups of coffee today, and maybe I forgot to bring lunch and was too cheap to buy it at work today.
Blech. How was your day?
Today's catchy song was "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkmen. I didn't find that to be problematic, though.
Here is what was problematic: the dudes who I let in after closing so that I could quickly make them appointments, who then bitched that there were no early appointments the next day, then dithered about which of the remaining three appointments of tomorrow they would take. Dither, dither. Hurry up, death ray eyes. Or antlers. Whatevs. "Area Receptionist Gores Some Dudes" ("She was always so quiet," say shocked co-workers.) posted by Frenz | 2/18/2005 08:00:00 PM
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I recently had a bad experience with a catchy song
"Mary Moon" by Deadeye Dick. What's up, satelite radio at work, u asshole? Why you do this thing to me? So awful. So catchy.
Now, go take David's survey.
Click here posted by Frenz | 2/18/2005 12:39:00 AM
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Wednesday, February 16, 2005 in the back of a dreamcar 20 foot long
All day long, I have ideas. I have so many that I don't even say most of them outloud. I never remember most of them, but some of them recur often enough that I come to know them more intimately, and although I don't talk about them, I forget that I haven't, so I assume that everyone's on the same page as I am, with, say, Rocktopuss: The Undersea Band*.
Then I mention it in passing without explaning it, because I've been giggling to myself about it for three months, and everybody gets all puzzled like they never learned how to pick up context clues.
So: let me spell it out for you, stupid:
The cable television channel "MTv"** has a program*** called "Pimp My Ride." The premise of the program is that poor people with bad cars write in, and the rapper Xzibit comes to your home, makes fun of your car, and then takes it to a body shop and mechanics, where they fix the obvious defects and the defects that it had never even occurred to you were there****.
I always want Xzibit to come and pimp my ride, but I don't even have a ride, so I roll around Baltimore on public transit and dream about the day I organize a petition drive.
When I do, all of Baltimore will sign a heartfelt plea to Xzibit to pimp its ride, and then soon after, my bus will have spinners.*****
*Four-man band in a giant octopus costume.
**Music Television
***show
****for example, that your car was lacking a plasma tv
*****fuck yeah! posted by Frenz | 2/16/2005 09:32:00 PM
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Monday, February 14, 2005 it's morning on the internet
Good morning. I hope you like cold rain, because that's what you're getting. posted by Frenz | 2/14/2005 08:55:00 AM
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Sunday, February 13, 2005 damn, no
I didn't pass the Jeopardy test. I got a free pen, though. It's great, because I'm always running out of pens.
Only five out of the eighty-some people that were there did pass. I think I did pretty well, but they don't tell your exact score. I think I did better than the nervous guy sitting next to me. He was so jittery. The couple of people I decided to hate on sight didn't pass either, luckily. posted by Frenz | 2/13/2005 05:38:00 PM
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what is: a bad idea?
Tomorrow I go to DC for the Jeopardy try-out. It's all so exciting: a chance to take three different kinds of public transit in succession, and then a written test.
Current mood: "jazzed."
Once I swam out of my house this morning, my day was very pleasant. I like the Saturday regulars at my job, and I like it when all the day's appointments book up and everything's hectic. "Sorry, we can't see you today. No, no. Monday, at the very earliest." It makes me feel so popular. posted by Frenz | 2/13/2005 12:30:00 AM
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Saturday, February 12, 2005 has broken
Maybe I slept too little last night, or maybe someone has filled the house with thick liquid today. I don't know. I'm slow and stupid this morning. Good morning, workday. Are you ready to rock? posted by Frenz | 2/12/2005 07:37:00 AM
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Friday, February 11, 2005 perhaps it is time
As a favor to a friend, I tasted a lot of coffee tonight. In hindsight, it may have been foolish to drink all the coffee that was provided. I'd told a friend who came along that we would be spitting each mouthful into a silver bucket, and she got all horrified. No one spit out coffee, but some people poured most of their portions into a (silver!) pot.
"You don't have to finish it," our host kept saying. "Just a sip will do."
Perhaps, too, it was wrong to take that as a challenge. posted by Frenz | 2/11/2005 01:36:00 AM
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Wednesday, February 09, 2005 cock
Too late, I found out that on the first day of the Chinese new year (today), you're not supposed to get your hair cut, and you're not supposed to sweep, in case you sweep good luck away. Aloha, good luck. Aloha, other people's hair. You are all in the trash now, in bags in the dumpster we share with other businesses. I hope that the person in the building who write threatening notes when the dumpster is full didn't accidentally get all the good luck I swept away today. I KNOW WHO USE THIS DUMPSTER, they write, among other things.
My employer has begun providing little cards that people are supposed to have stamped whenever they get a haircut. Once it's filled, it's good for a free one. My favorite part about giving out the cards is that people behave as though I'm personally responsible for them. I'll give customers the cards as they pay, and they're pretty much like, "Are you coming on to me?" I mean, they're pleased. I get thanked with words and smoldering eye contact. Must be spring.
In closing, here is the full text of a note I found near the bus stop today:
HIZ BAHLS WAS ENCrUSTED
WIDTH A MIXTURE OF GARLiC
ANCHOViES & MAYONAiSE
WidTH PIE CrUST ZOUNDS GOODE!
Sometimes, I'm just not sure what the Lord is trying to tell me. posted by Frenz | 2/09/2005 08:53:00 PM
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Get out of the van
My rock star attitude got the better of me earlier, and I got kicked off a trip to the dumpster collective. I'd better get famous soon. Otherwise, I'm just an asshole.
posted by Frenz | 2/09/2005 01:51:00 AM
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Monday, February 07, 2005 important parking update
The other day I was walking to my sister's hotel, and a man was walking behind me on the sidewalk. We walked by a row of parked cars, and he cut over to his own car. Then he started yelling, "We beat the system! We beat the system!" because his car had not been ticketed.
PS: he was wearing a hat.
Update
Leah's mom wrote to tell me something important: Today is Laura Ingalls Wilder's birthday. LIW day is traditionally celebrated by eating frosting. Or at least that's how we roll around here. posted by Frenz | 2/07/2005 05:54:00 PM
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Saturday, February 05, 2005 top secret
I'm taking a break from the Manhattan Project I'm working on with my sister. Little does she know. From her vantage point, I'd imagine it looks like I'm working. Or, you know, she actually is working, and isn't monitoring my every move.
I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that comes with completing tasks towards a larger goal, but not for the first time I find myself wishing that this portion of my rise to fame and recognition could be condensed into a tightly-edited montage, set to upbeat popular music.
posted by Frenz | 2/05/2005 04:36:00 PM
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Thursday, February 03, 2005 We are twins
My sister is in town. We're in the same room, and both of us are hunched over laptops, trying to figure out where to get a wireless signal in her hotel room. I am winning (the winning spot: the floor in front of the TV).
The woman who checked us in said that we could pass for identical twins. I don't know when it would be advantageous to do that, but one day, we may find that that is the skill that saves our lives.
So far, she says that Baltimore resembles a post-apocalyptic wasteland. I think that's stretching it a little bit.
In the coming week, we plan to eat several breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. We'll each keep you apprised of the situation via our weblogs.
P.S. Neither of us has a car in this city, so there will be no parking updates, but if either of us sees anybody parking in a notable way, we will let you know. posted by Frenz | 2/03/2005 05:13:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 01, 2005 part two: all the young dudes
How can a day get nerdier than accosting a stranger about a weblog?
Nerd rap. M.C. Chris, who I know as a funny voice on a bunch of cartoons, played a show at the Ottobar, and every nerd in town lined up to see him. I think some out of area nerds showed up as well.
Never have I ever seen so many dudes whose mutant ability is loneliness in one room together. People knew the words to the songs. It was ridiculous. I had a really good time.
I had all kinds of funny stuff to say, but I am so damn tired. I just didn't want to have a part one and no part two. Goodnight. posted by Frenz | 2/01/2005 09:47:00 PM
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in two parts
Yesterday may have been the nerdiest day of my life--in my life of one damn nerdy day after another. It was nerdier than the day in middle school when I went to the statewide geography bee. It was nerdier than the day of regret and crushing disappointment after I answered "USSR" when I should have said "Russia" in the final round, and was sent home with an inflatable globe and a totebag.
First I worked in the morning, and that was fine. Smile, smile, sweep, sweep. I'm good at my job. I booked some appointments. I do that.
Then I got my hair cut, and that was nice. I'm like 8% cuter now, so that's good. The homeless are sure to appreciate that. Then I accosted a client as she sat in a beauty chair, waiting for her stylist to mix up her hairdye. I went up to this woman, and I said, "Excuse me, do you have a weblog?" I'd recognized her name when I booked her appointment, and at the time, it seemed reasonable to say hi.
It was only later, when I came home and told my housemates what I'd done, and they'd laughed and laughed at me, did I realize that it might not have been "weirder not to say anything."
I have to go to work now. I'll write about the rest of my nerdy day later.
posted by Frenz | 2/01/2005 09:00:00 AM
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