Monday, October 31, 2005 I see all
Everybody's upset about surveilance lately! The other night I heard a man talking about how he disabled the 911-with-location function on his cell phone, because he didn't want "them" to know where he was. I guess it's OK to think there's a sorrority of 911 dispatchers out there, just waiting to discern your location for their own weird purposes.
He didn't mean that. I know what he meant. I am not an engineer, but I think his logic was flawed, but, you know. People say things. They say other things. Everybody's got to say something.
Sometimes, it gets quiet, and you have to keep saying something, even after you've done your best bit, so he went on, and he said "I don't want to get all Ted Nugent or anything, but I just don't like the government being able to push a button and know where I am." I said, "I don't want to get all Ted Nugent or anything, but sometimes I just want to kill animals with a bow and arrow." The tiny government surveilance agent who lives inside my own phone sighed and recorded that nobody laughed but me. He knows how often I laugh at my own jokes, and he is embarrassed for me. God, that was the party where I was the only one not wearing pants.
Anywayyyy. The other other night, somebody from the internet was saying he didn't want to get his hair cut because he "didn't want to get blogged about."
The terrible thing is, I don't want to get blogged about either, lately. I am so bored with writing about my life. I want to write about all the other weirdos in the world, but I'm afraid all my favorite weirdos will stumble on it (thing about weirdos: they love stumbling) and get their feelings hurt and then avoid me. posted by Frenz | 10/31/2005 10:33:00 PM
3 comments
Soap and water. Soap and water.
Last Thursday I wandered around the thrift store, terrified that I wouldn't be able to find anything cool or fun or funny for Halloween, and that my life was over. It turned out I was just hungry, which is so often the case when my terror level goes vaulting up to desert plum. Finally, I decided to follow my dream. I bought a frilly blue negligee and an old man coat, and the next day, I wore them together with fishnets, ridiculous boots, and a mascara beard to be a sexy hobo. I had a bindle and everything.
People were pleased, and I like being praised, so the next night I wore the same outfit to another party. I felt a little out of place, because everyone else there was wearing pants.
The next day it was time for the Bruisers' Ball, and luckily, fishnets-and-no-pants was practically the roller girl uniform. I had a wonderful time. The advertised "free PBR for those in costume" translated into three drink tickets, which was so sad. I guess "free" doesn't imply "unlimited". The drink special was something called a "roller girl shot". They mixed something sweet with something sweet. Then they ran out of whatever that was, but they were still offering the special, so the bartenders kept yelling, "Roller girl shots have changed!"
Downstairs, everyone was in costume, with maybe two or three sad exceptions. I wish I was a picture-taker, but I'm wild and free like Misty of Chincoteague (later abducted, sold to humans), so I let Central Park and The Gates, Team Zisou, Bjork in the swan dress (I talked to the man dressed as Bjork and he said, "Last night I went to the MICA Halloween party, and there were like, twenty Bjorks"), Gumby, Mustard, and dozeens of others get away without capturing their fleeting beauty.
Upstairs, they weren't so ho-hum when it came to sexy ho-bos. A man came up to me and said, "You got ugly-ass legs, you bearded motherfucker." I asked him if he wanted to fight. If I was a real hobo, I wouldna asked. Later, he came back and challenged Tracy and I for the pool table we were playing on. We accepted and won, which is what one does. Good triumphs over that guy.
Here is your scary Halloween story:
(Scroll to read on... if you dare.)
(Be careful! This is very scary and gruesome.)
(You will be shocked!)
The hobo beard I drew on with volumizing mascara clogged my pores. I fear that combination skin is just around the corner. posted by Frenz | 10/31/2005 03:43:00 PM
6 comments
Friday, October 28, 2005 you got needs
When I first started practicing with the roller derby league, there wasn't enough money to rent out the rink, so instead of having closed practices, we went to Skateland twice a week and did our best not to knock down any little kids. Now that we have a little bit more sponsorship and pay dues, we have closed practices once a week.
Some girls skip the open skate entirely now. Up until recently, I'd thought they were nuts, because if anyone can find anything not to love and cherish about Skateland, from the band-aid flecked carpet to reasonably priced freezie pops, that person is a total asshole.
They play the same few songs every week at Skateland. Love it! Genius. I enjoy knowing words! I am Kurtis Blow! These are the breaks! Thanks for noticing.
But I'm only human, and I hate one of Skateland's mainstays "Rappers' Delight". You may remember it as the hip it to the hop it song the old lady did in The Wedding Singer, if you remember The Wedding Singer. You got no call to.
It's a bad song. It's about half an hour long, and monotony rules the day. Tonight Tracy and I got there just as it began, and by the time I got my skates on, it was still playing. It was still playing after I adjusted my knee and elbow pads, and after I rented a locker. It played until I died, and it kept going as I came back to life. It twisted my womb and cursed all my future generations. It clogged my pores.
Finally, it ended, and I was able to skate out onto the floor. I worked on different moves, and I left it all out on the rink. I had a slurpee later, and now I'm home. Everything should be cool, but it's not.
They didn't play "Gold Digger" this week, and nothing makes sense anymore. posted by Frenz | 10/28/2005 12:59:00 AM
2 comments
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 My style was a sweater
My mother, my father, and my aunt all came to Baltimore for lunch today. Then they all turned around and went home. They seemed to like it, even though it's roughly a four-hour drive each way. There was a giant fake tree in the center of the restaurant. They all argued about whether it was a fake tree or a real tree. My aunt said it waas obviously fake, because the leaves were dusty. My mom said plenty of real plants got dust on them all the time. I abstained from the discussion. It was obviously a fake tree because it was obviously a fake tree is a rose is a rose is a rose.
Later, I went to work and read Vogue. One time I accidentally looked up from my magazine and had to ring up a customer. I offered her a stamp card, and like many customers do, she became very upset. According to her testimony, she had had several haircuts and no-one had offered her a card. She was outraged, felt cheated. She demanded I stamp her card retroactively. I said, "I can't do that!" and she took that at face value, although it was an obvious lie.
Last weekend Tracy and I went to New York to see the Gotham Girls Roller Derby's championship bout (for the Golden Skate!). The woman behind the counter at the pizza shop near the rink told me, "I like your style."
Mmm-hmm.
The bout was ridiculous and crazy. The skating was amazing. The superfans were terrible. The costumes were adorable. I had a good time.
Sunday was my birthday, and I spent the day in Tracy's car, coming back to Baltimore. Funny thing: I remember how to drive after all. Who knew? I guess 1-95 knows, now. What's up, 95? You like my style, don't you? posted by Frenz | 10/25/2005 08:54:00 PM
8 comments
Friday, October 21, 2005 I think all you nice people are really wonderful
This is, if you can imagine, the first time I've been online since night before last. The meetup last night took all night and the deadly aftermath took some of this morning. Some of all of today, actually. I didn't feel 100% again until after work, and then it was time to skate.
Today (hairsplitters: yesterday) is exactly six months after the first blogger happy hour I went to, where I met Tracy. I try and try to think of ways to write about that, and there are few good ones. The obvious lesson is never to think in my secret heart that I'm too cool for anything ever again, but my secret heart is wild and free, and I'll always scoff 'til the last possible second.
Still, though, right?
Right?
I had a good time, last night and for the last six months. It was nice to meet everyone, or to see everyone again.
ETA: Oh, hey!
This day, this technically correct by clock and calendar day, means that I have kept this blog for three years. It's like cutting myself open and looking at my rings to see it all. Sometimes I play "Today in History" with my own archives, because I'm self-centered and I have a poor memory. I think I've turned into a lazy writer, because I don't cringe at my phrasing anymore, even when it would make sense. I cringe at what I did sometimes, or how I lived, or at things that were happening that I know I never wrote about.
Things are different now. I'm so glad. posted by Frenz | 10/21/2005 01:10:00 AM
4 comments
Monday, October 17, 2005 Have you forgotten?
Hello, my darling Baltimore. The blogger happy hour is still this Wednesday the 19, 6:00 (or so) pm 'til question mark question mark question mark.
Dougherty's Irish Pub in Mt. Vernon. You will enjoy yourself.
I wish my household's internet connection were working better as well, because then I could easily find and post a flier for the Bruiser's Ball, the big Halloween party the Charm City Roller Girls are throwing at the Ottobar on the 30.
I know I've mentioned each of these events before, but my enthusiasm is repetitive. Also, who retains information? Nobody. Not me, anyway. Today I noticed that I don't remember how to drive a car anymore. I was trying to start the car in question with my right foot on the clutch, and it was like one of the stupid car dreams I always used to have, so I decided to try again some other day. I have to be honest: I got a little humble after that, and it was awful.
It was a sad celebration of my success at finally getting my license replaced from when it was stolen and switched over to Maryland from Virginia. My new license is beautiful. It has a tiny heart, to signify my organ-donor status, and a tiny crab, because in Maryland it seems to be the law to adorn everything with a crab. And because I have pubic lice. Ohhhhhh. SIKE. Sorry. I guess I need to make an appointment and have my brow raised, because that was tackee like Ashlee. I usually don't stoop to that level, but I forgot how to be funny, too. posted by Frenz | 10/17/2005 09:05:00 PM
5 comments
Sunday, October 16, 2005 you are now running on reserve battery power
Ain't it a bitch to type on the internet? I try to do something good, and I can't post it, because after a few minutes, it just turns awful. My hair smells like smoke. Does yours?
I am turning 4,0000 soon. I hear it's a tough birthday. I hear it's liberating, though, but pretty much everytime someone says that about anything, they're a liar or they're dumb as a box of boxes. People say I don't look a day over 200. How old do you think I look? Honestly?
Last night I was telling strangers about the Bruiser's Ball, the party my roller derby team is hosting at the Ottobar on Sunday the 30th. Would you like to go to the Bruiser's Ball?
Eyemakeup is great, because if you put on enough, it can last for days. What are your tips to save time and money on cosmetics? posted by Frenz | 10/16/2005 05:32:00 PM
7 comments
Saturday, October 15, 2005 Danger! Free Cake!
This week I spent about 48 hours total in the beauty parlor, not counting the quarterly meeting (with cake!). That's a lot of human hair (mama mia!). The other receptionist mailed herself to Abu Dhabi or something. Just accidentally fell right into a large mailing carton and it sealed itself over her puzzled head. The UPS man scooped her up, and that's all she wrote. This is worse than the time I had to cover for her because she got trapped in the haunted pie factory, or the time she caught amnesia. She's not coming back for a while.
If I weren't already fairly wealthy, I guess the money from the extra hours would be nice. Mainly, I do it for the satisfaction of a job well done.
In the time I was away from the beauty parlor (for some reason), I went to see Roll Bounce with Tracy. He posted a stirring and incisive review. I enjoyed the film, although I grinned sheepishly at the "nobody likes a white girl" leitmotif that threaded subtly through the script. Aw, dang. It's true. It was good film for Damn, though. Damn was the star, along with High-Waisted Pants and Amusing Hair.
Now, who knows what the hell I'll do. Maybe I'll eat dinner. Maybe I'll shower, even though I'm going to Brit Pop later and ruining ever chance I ever had of being clean or kempt.
Blogger happy hour this Wednesday at Dougherty's. I'll be late. Somebody'll be there. Make sure they're from the internet, though. If they do not have a blog, tell a policeman or your teacher. posted by Frenz | 10/15/2005 06:01:00 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005 Happy!
Oh, guess what, Baltimore? Next Wednesday (the 19), I'm going to Dougherty's Irish Pub in Mt. Vernon for a big nerd party, and you big nerds should come, too. 223 W. Chase St.
That is: Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour Baltimore Blogger Happy Hour
Aren't you happy, yet? You will be. I'll post more details in the next few days.
A cursory google search seems to show that Dougherty's doesn't need a website, so here we have
Points to reccomend Dougherty's:
*Evidently, Dougherty's is no longer just for the Irish. City Paper wouldn't lie to y'all.
The pitchers are reasonably priced.
*There is an erotic drawing of a leprechaun.
*Sometimes, one is allowed into the pool room.
If this is a case, I demand I rematch. You know who you are, other blog couple.
*I can't believe I just typed that. posted by Frenz | 10/11/2005 10:36:00 PM
4 comments
Today in DAMN
*Listened to the voicemail messages from the weekend at work today. Heard message from mysteriously absent co-worker calling out on account of she had to leave this town, this shitty town.
*Later found out message was not entirely true, but that co-worker won't be back for a few weeks, so I will be working most hours for the next few weeks.
*Learned from another co-worker what it's like to have botox injections (surprisingly easy, evidently).
*Fought man about whether anyone would cut his hair five minutes to closing.
*Grown man begged and whined unattractively. In this unjust world, still received haircut from soft-hearted stylist.
*Agreed to pay in advance so that I could close out.
*Got his heart set on some tea-tree shaping cream after haircut, after credit slips were already run.
*"Can I pay with credit card?" "No!" Let him anyway. Not my retail commission to throw away. Hated that dude so bad. Dear Dude, if you are reading this, I hate you. I think you already know that, but I just wanted to touch base to confirm. Thanks!
*Roller derby practice. Drills included the one where when they blow the whistle, we have to fall down and when they say wrestle, we have to find somebody nearby and wrestle 'em. Also: "Blood-n-Thunder", the idea of which is to be the last woman standing.
*I was not. It was still fun.
*Fell on face. Fell directly on face. All teeth remain. Victory for I and my mouthguard. posted by Frenz | 10/11/2005 12:54:00 AM
2 comments
Sunday, October 09, 2005 When it's good it's really good, and when it's bad I go to pieces
Now that it's almost seven o'clock on Sunday, I'm ready to admit that I had a pretty good weekend. I missed a message from work on Saturday. Evidently, the receptionist scheduled to go in never showed up, and it would be really nice if I could go in. Bet it would. I went to the Halloween store with my housemates instead. My job is too simple to require that someone be on twenty-four-hour call.
Friday I went to a show in a warehouse. There was a competing party on another floor, so the art kids were sparse for the first few hours, and I danced like no one could see me. The price I pay is crippled legs. I wish I had more stretching technology than I do. I may just have to ride this out and think hard before I dance that way again.
Then I wore absurd boots to go and stand on concrete for a few hours on Saturday, because i'm really trying to impress the genius grant committee. Tracy'd been waiting a long time to see those Suicide Girls cavort around, and they did. They cavorted. The City Paper pre-hated the show, saying in part that it would be no different from a trip to the Hustler club. I haven't been to the Hustler club, granted, but just off the top of my head, I thought of several ways.
The market was less crowded than usual this morning. Thank you, horrible weather.
Now, once I can bring myself to stop typing and go change my clothes, it's time to roller skate. I hope this isn't the week they decide not to play "Gold Digger." posted by Frenz | 10/09/2005 06:40:00 PM
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Saturday, October 08, 2005 Two day weekend
Writing is stupid, typing is stupider, but here I am. If you need hep. I am so five minutes ago. If hep were attacking your face instead of your liver, you'd do something about it. posted by Frenz | 10/08/2005 02:50:00 PM
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Friday, October 07, 2005 What's to tell?
The other night at skateland, I was showing the guy at the skate rental booth how I'd accidentally bought a pair of joke skates with no stoppers, and as I did so, I fell straight over backwards. My body is so resilient. I should have gotten a job as a human cannonball.
Human....what's an item that burns money? Human money-burning locomotive. I think I can, indeed. posted by Frenz | 10/07/2005 07:47:00 PM
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005 Dentist day on practice day and the same day for a bus pass???
My new tooth is so beautiful. It looks like it is made of shining silver. If one peers deeply into my mouth, as I've been inviting friends and associates to do all day, one can tell not to fuck around with me. A friend suggested I use it to try to impress the other derby girls, but I fear I cannot. They will see right through me. posted by Frenz | 10/04/2005 10:41:00 AM
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Monday, October 03, 2005 I have planned our afternoon together
Today, a man called my work place and kept saying "saloon" instead of "salon." What is the street address of your saloon? What is the name of your saloon?
I wish I knew.
My saloon is out there somewhere, waiting. My special purpose is there, too, sitting at the bar, wearing chaps and spurs. Norm!
Roller skating practice isn't 'til tomorrow, and I don't know what to do with myself. Let's see if my internet will let me post this, and then let's see if there's any candy corn left. posted by Frenz | 10/03/2005 04:54:00 PM
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