Tuesday, January 31, 2006 Thank you for not letting the door hit you
Off you go, January. Off you go, too, content challenge. I'm embarrassed for both of us.
My day was long and full of scene changes. Work! Old Work! An Pub (for a team meeting)! A Tattoo parlor (for a whole league meeting.)
Now I have highlights, I know certain nuances of the rules of roller derby that I didn't previously know existed, I'm worried that my team will choose the wrong theme--and if the right theme, the wrong outfits--I'm tired, and I want to go to bed. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/31/2006 11:06:00 PM
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Monday, January 30, 2006 Dear Ann Landers,
Hi, how are you? How is it being dead? Nice, I hope.
I am fine, but I made up a whole bunch of problems to have. They are mainly attitude-based problems. I realize that what I need is some nnumber of lashes with a wet noodle, but you are dead, and you cannot get to me, unless you have found pasta made of ectoplasm, which I understand is difficult to find, even in specialty stores.
Why am I so angry, Ann Landers? Why is my first tendancy, when people step close to me, to throw out a sharp elbow, rather than behaving in a friendly manner or merely stepping away? Why do I hate jokes, song, and fun?
I think that this may have something to do with vitamins.
Wrathfully yours,
Baleful in Baltimore posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/30/2006 09:29:00 AM
3 comments
Sunday, January 29, 2006 What's with January?
still not over? Then I guess I'm updating. My fingernails are an unusual color, because I painted them. My hair is wet, because I'm clean. My laundry will never be done, because the laundry of others was there first, and it will never be done either.
Earlier, a cat got into a box and began to eat the box, which makes so little sense to me, because sitting inside boxes is his greatest pleasure. I imagine there is a lesson in this, for all of us. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/29/2006 09:28:00 PM
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Saturday, January 28, 2006 Some people have funny voices
This is the first day for most of the week that my body hasn't been sore all over from practice. Today it's just my feet, and only because they're covered in blisters, and that's only because my beautiful new skates happen to be lined with rusty barbed wire. But so fast!
I slept for something like 16 hours last night, so I don't have much to report since yesterday. It was the coolest thing I've done all weekend. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/28/2006 04:46:00 PM
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Friday, January 27, 2006 I have already thrown down. Now what time is it?
I don't care how shameful it is to take joy in the suffering of others: I can't get enough of the James Frey scandal. Now he went and got Oprah mad. Oprah! She will bury him.
For a while, she was standing by him and his essential truths, but now that people have been making fun of her for it, she's turned around and started chastising him on her show. Called him "Mr. Macho Tough Guy!" Harsh realm, Ms. Winfrey.
Who did you think he was before you found out he was a big fat liar? Mr. Tortured SOUL With a Valid Excuse, right? You are mad that he didn't actually get his teeth pulled without (the notorious gateway drug) novocaine? You wanted every splatter of bloody vomit to be as historically real as the Parthenon?
Because you need all that contaminated sputum, don't you, to tolerate the writing and to tolerate the dude. Like, sure he's a total swaggering weirdo, but he has been through so much!
I'm not going to be super-shocked if it turns out that James Frey was actually treated for chocoholism or attention-dependence. Is that mean? posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/27/2006 09:22:00 AM
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Thursday, January 26, 2006 Don't you ever
Let's not dwell on stupid pettiness that we can't stop thinking about. Let's think about our new rollerskates instead! The laces (both of them!) broke half an hour into practice, and we had to switch back into our old skates, I know, but remember those blissful thirty minutes? We were sweating like monsters, were we not? We were. We were angry and sad, weren't we? Yes. But everything was fine, as it always will be.
It is important to remember this.
Also, the man fixed our house, and he took the toilet out of the bathtub and patched the giant hole in the ceiling. Our little habitat in the living room is covered in a fine white dust, but we don't care at all. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/26/2006 02:34:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 25, 2006 I live here now
Content challenge limps on, but as always, ain't nobody make you read. I am sitting in my workplace long after my shift is over, because the wireless here works way way better than it does in my own home. Also, there are men in my house putting in a new bathroom floor to replace the wreck the old one had become. They are a comedy team. The head guy's job is to fix stuff while telling jokes, and the other two guys hand him things while telling jokes, usually at the head guy's expense. I didn't see this bit firsthand, but also one guy's job is evidently to sing Depeche Mode songs to annoy another guy who hates Depeche Mode.
The head guy and I are old buddies, because I've been calling the landlord since August to get the house fixed up in different ways, and more often than not, they put me through to the head guy, who tells me that he would be happy to fix my house, if only the landlord would let him. I tend to believe him. We have had this conversation about so many problems with the house that when I answered the door to let him in the other day, he said, "Oh, you're Cara? I finally get to meet you!"
Meanwhile, I finally get to have my toilet be stored in my bathtub while the comedians put new tiles down and fix different holes in the wall that other, non-amusing maintenance teams have put in the walls and ceiling. It is inconvenient, but I just look at it as another prank the humans have played on the cats. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/25/2006 04:16:00 PM
4 comments
Tuesday, January 24, 2006 Hack
Did I break my butt-bone? I doubt it, but what if that is wishful doubt? My butt certainly hurts, because last night I couldn't stop falling on my butt. Sometimes, other people fell on me and my innocent butt was caught in the crossfire. No one was actually shooting guns, so that bit about crossfire was nothing but an essential truth. The Street Fighter machine was making its usualy noises, and they got a toddler all excited. He kept wandering around and saying "I need some money. I need some money." Hobo Jr. It was adorable.
Tonight I'm going to yet another blogger meet-up, which I believe is somewhere in Canton. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm not driving. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/24/2006 12:02:00 PM
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Monday, January 23, 2006 Let's assume!
-Tonight's practice will be a good time, as we're finally broken into our permanent teams.
-Everyone will be dressed in the colors by which the teams are temporarily designated before we pick team names and themes and uniforms.
-My skirt will have a lot of competition as the prettiest skirt, but it will still be the prettiest. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/23/2006 01:29:00 PM
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Sunday, January 22, 2006 I prefer not to
Whoops! I am ruining content challenge. I totally forgot yesterday. I spent my day sleeping, then working, then hanging around my kitchen, and the watching the last few episodes of the last season of 24. I spent a long time talking about how it's Telletubbies for grown-ups. I love repetition, though, so it works out. I don't have to ask who the guy with the thing is, because every ten minutes (real time), he'll tell me, or someone else will. Either way, ingenious. They're not paying me to think, so I don't like to. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/22/2006 06:23:00 PM
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Friday, January 20, 2006 What a jolly boring thing to do
A few hours ago, I was at the mall, because I had to go to the fucking clothing store and buy some fucking clothes. It was fucking great. I fucking love clothes. You run your hands along the fabric and it's like you're whisked away to Cambodia or Turkey. Someplace tropical like that, where people make ugly, expensive things just for you. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/20/2006 08:51:00 PM
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From now on I've decided to be macho and tell "essential truths"
Sike! posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/20/2006 01:22:00 AM
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Thursday, January 19, 2006 transportation identified
Today it was so nice and sunny that I walked, on my feet, like an animal, outdoors. I've barely done that at all since Tracy got his car. The bus is a stranger to me now, and soe is everything else.
People in cars all wanted to know how I was doing. Pretending to be deaf. How's yourself? posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/19/2006 05:11:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006 A Quality Team
The Charm City Roller Girls have broken up into teams now, and after a few months of practicing with our teammates, we're going to start beating each other up in front of spectators. My team is amazing. It's going to get awkward when Tracy starts calling penalties on us, but I guess we'll settle it by arm wrestling. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/18/2006 03:03:00 PM
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006 My own league has made it very clear that we are NOT skanks
Last night practice ended early, so I was all excited that I was going to get a chance to go to the bar with the rest of the roller derby and watch the A&E show. The treacherous bar was holding some kind of open mic night in the room with the large television, so a bunch of us crowded around the small televisions in the unsuitable room and offered commentary. That show really walks the line between salacious and boring. Maybe if girls in little skirts and tattoos were more of a novelty for me, I'd never noticed how slooooow that shit moves, but I am a veteran and YAWN. Less pouting, more skating, plz, skanks.
The end of our skill assessment was yesterday. Soon I'll know if I made it onto a team. I bet I did, but I've been wrong before. But, I knock people down pretty well, and I am also OK at going in circles at a decent speed, so... I should have worn a prettier outfit and cussed fluently. I am doomed.
(Joking! I am always dressed beautifully, and I am always cussing.) posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/17/2006 12:04:00 PM
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Monday, January 16, 2006 Topical
On the calendar my friends sent me, Sunday the 15th of January was "Speak a Different Language Day". I prefered Underwear Day, but that comes but once a year.
I learnt a new word today( for the purposes of content challenge, "yesterday"). One definition, according to urbandictionary.com is "Someone or something that burns coal."
Here the contributor gives an example: The locomotive was a coal burner, giving it the awesome power of eighteen mighty horses. I heard it in another context that had little to do with the world of railroads.
Now I'm reading old Calvin and Hobbes strips in Spanish, and I feel so smart! I totally speak Spanish, because I know exactly what they're saying. The idea that I know them all from memory is a foolish one that flies in the face of Occam's Razor. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/16/2006 01:02:00 AM
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Sunday, January 15, 2006 Update
Now it's several minutes later on Sunday, and I'm not out of ideas yet! I will be by the time I'm done typing this sentence.
Right now, I'm on my lunch break and sitting in the cafe. The customers think I'm one of them. In a few minutes, I'll put away my laptop and take my place behind the counter and blow their minds.
You know, I still haven't gotten over the big trip back to my parents' house. I keep falling asleep and gettinng confused about what bed I'm in. There's no reason for it. At my parents I did not sleep on a mattress on the floor surrounded by garbage. In Baltimore, I don't lie still listening to the clock tick and getting unsettled by how quiet it is. My stupid brain, though: it is so stupid it doesn't know anything. This morning, for the second time this week, it told me to get up an hour earlier than I should have.
Hate U, brain. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/15/2006 01:39:00 PM
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damn!
This content thing: a bunch of balls. I couldn't update yesterday. First I had to sleep really late. Then I had to eat snacks and lie around the living room reading nothing in particular. After that it was time for the big Scrabble tournament (I received an award, but I didn't even make second place I don't think, and I've been given to understand that second place is the first loser. Third place is the first leper. There goes my eyeball [finish this lyric and prove you spent time in my house growing up!]).
Then, do you know what I did, the internet? I went to a sports bar in Howard county. There, I touched lives. Lives touched back, and it was awful. Why do I go places? Why do I do things? Gross. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/15/2006 01:34:00 PM
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Friday, January 13, 2006 I want to rock slightly later on
Right now, I am exhausted. Parent Challenge was good. My parents were trying so hard to be friendly and nice. Everybody was. Still, things were awkward, because when aren't they? Never.
Things got even better after we all went out to dinner and had a lot of wine. Well, they did. Tracy and I had less, but enough. My mother and father got sillier. My dad tugged the waiter's beard at one point. I escaped death by embarrassment only because it was hillarious.
For some reason, trying to sleep next to your boyfriend in your childhood bed, one wall away from your parents isn't as restful as one would think, so now it is time for me to go and lie very still until I'm ready to face Friday night. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/13/2006 05:15:00 PM
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Thursday, January 12, 2006 I also like to go to the park, if it's nice out
In minutes, I'll somehow trick Tracy into getting in the car, and we'll drive south until we hit crazy. I keep thinking of things for us to do when we get to my hometown. Smoke tobacco! Worship the confederacy! (Tomorrow is Lee-Jackson Day, a state holiday in honor of Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee. This year, it looks like the state of Virginia is separating it from the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. by a weekend, rather than shoving them all together into 'Lee-Jackson-King' Day.)
Since we're hitting and running, I probably won't have time to hang out with any of my old friends.
Still, I have high hopes for this. My mom is excited and making cookies. I'm...hesitant, but still, still. It'll be fine. Everything is always fine.
Last night was the first part of our skill assessment at roller derby. I did OK, except for the part where we had to jump over some miniature traffic cones, some paper plates, and then some cones again. I jumped the first line of cones and wobbled, so I was determined to have better form for the next set. I was concentrating on the next cones so much that I skated over the damn plates. There is a metaphor in that somewhere, but I have no time to find it. Inevitability is waiting for me, and if I don't get there by noon, inevitability will think I'm dead and start to freak out. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/12/2006 09:21:00 AM
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006 For lunch I had a sandwhich
For some reason I set my alarm an hour earlier than necessary today, got up and got ready for work, called Tracy like, "Why aren't you here?" and then and only then figured out what I'd done. This has set the tone for the day in many ways.
Tonight we have skill assessment at derby practice. My own skills are not what they could be, but not so bad, and I trust this will be reflected in the scoring, but I'm still dreading it. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/11/2006 01:52:00 PM
1 comments
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 Grueseome is what gruesome do
Good morning, Baltimore. You are looking lovely today. It is warm and pleasant, and all the garbage looks perky and like it has a new lease on life. It does, it does. It's pretend Spring! The ewes are going to start lactating any minute now.
Yesterday's big news around here was the body that ended up on I-95. People kept ruunning over it, and then they had to close all of northbound 95 for 7 hours or something while police cadets "looked for clues", which are nicer to look for than the pieces of somebody, which is what they were actually doing. Rollergirls who commute up from DC for practice reported that they "saw the guy's arm".
I have only seen arms attached to torsos, now or ever, and I never thought to be pleased about it before. Being grateful for small things makes you appreciate that it's a wonderful world. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/10/2006 07:57:00 AM
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Monday, January 09, 2006 shocking true confessions
I technically failed the new incarnation of Daily Content Challenge yesterday, which was day two. A two-day posting streak is still something to strive for. This is not like the heady days of last July, when I just wanted to type all the time. Now I want to be propped in a closet to sleep until I am needed. I am going to recover from this setback and go on to great success. Everything wil be fine.
Also shocking, also true: I killed my sea monkeys. I feel sad for them, because they did not know they were only brine shrimp. They thought they were a beautiful family, under the sea. I did everything their instructions said to, but one day they turned from swimming dots to the iny corpses of dots. Too cold? Delayed reaction to the Baltimore water? I do not know. One day I will order a replacement packet and try again. For some reason this was all easier when I was six.
Shockinger: I went to a potluck dinner last night, and all the food was delicious. No cop-out items whatsoever. I was thinking about culture the other day, and how the traditional foods of my culture are probably repulsive to others. My people eat marshmallow salad. I am going to insist that any offspring in my family be taught in our ways. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/09/2006 07:26:00 AM
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Sunday, January 08, 2006 "How did you die?" "I froze."
My crazy sister started a wildcat Content Challenge for the month of January. I don't know if I can do it, because my internet is broken a fair amount, and I am no longer interesting. Also, January is practically over already. Don't let the door hit you, January.
I'm tired and I should go to bed. It's been a taxing weekend. Earlier tonight I was in Philadelphia, walking around in the cold trying to help someone find a bar that seemed to be entirely fictional. Yesterday, I was in DC at a party where people wore several different kinds of hats. I just travel up and down the east coast, touching lives.
Later this week, they'll need me in Richmond, and I will go, and I will drag Tracy so that we may both touch the lives of my parents. I've tried to give him an overview of what to expect, but that is impossible. "They'll be walking on their hands and making cuckoo-cuckoo noises" is not strictly accurate, strictly. I think we should probably all go out and see Brokeback Mountain together immediately, and then begin to drink. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/08/2006 02:31:00 AM
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006 Long ago, I said.
The other day one of my coworkers told me about this friend of hers who's in his 20s and just had a heart attack, so now EVERY TIME I have chest pains, I freak out. Jeez Louise.
My plague is better, though. Now I am taking the cough syrup recreationally.
Obviously, I am joking. I ran out of cough syrup long ago. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/04/2006 06:38:00 PM
4 comments
Tuesday, January 03, 2006 In other news, a cat wants to jump on my computer
I was worried for a while that the bus was actually my muse, and now that I'm getting rides to work or taking Baltimore's secret subway, that was what was keeping me from wanting to write. It turns out it was just a bad case of existentialism. I probably got it from a filthy doorknob. I should carry hand sanitizer with me at all times.
I just missed the premier of the roller derby series on A&E because after months of constant reminders, I still forgot it was tonight. My housemates gave it a negative review, but a friend on one of the teams that got to preview it a while ago said she thought it was well-done. Tomorrow is our league's first practice since before Christmas, and I'm going to die. It will be very sad, and you will miss me. I might just complain a lot instead, though. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/03/2006 01:04:00 AM
3 comments
Monday, January 02, 2006 Ring in the new
For 2006, I would like newer, better lungs and an end to the too-tenacious-to-be-a-cold, too-mild-to-be-much-else plague that I've had for the past three weeks. I would also like a damn bit of common sense, so I can learn to stay out of smoky rooms until this thing subsides.
It was worth it, though, to go to the End of the World party last night. I wore a shimmering golden prom dress that I painstakingly ruined for an hour so it looked like I'd been through some kind of disaster. I slashed it, burned it, and stomped it in the dirt. I ratted my hair out in all directions, and put on too much crooked eyeliner and too much dark lipstick, just like it was 10th grade again. I knew that anything after the apocalypse meant that people had to go around in military gear, so I wore a jaunty little soldier's cap as well. I looked like a jaunty little soldier.
That's a lie: with my fucked up makeup and slatternly dress, I looked like Courtney Love. Then I got plastered, which I'm sure added to the impression.
At midnight, I kissed Tracy, who was resplendent in his own right as the glamorous referee of the apocalypse. Later I blew a paper horn, and later still I worked at the Wheel of Misfortune. "Do you dare?" Step right up, one dollar. Players spun a plywood wheel for a chance to win prizes like a free shot, roller derby merchandise, a kiss (scandalous, I know), or a chance to arm wrestle a roller girl. It was odd to have so many people theatrically pretend to lose to me. After that, it was time for full-contact musical chairs, and I never saw my hat again.
Today I had a nice breakfast with Tracy, thought about making some kind of vegetarian Hoppin' John so I'd have good luck all year, and realized that I didn't feel like going to the trouble to cook the black-eyed peas. Also, I am still mad at the band of the same name for "My Humps", and I think that would taint any real peas I would fix.
It was a nice lazy day. Everybody I live with was home tonight, and we all sat around the living room hanging out for the first time in a while, and then most of us went to a diner and had coffee and ridiculous deserts. The one I ordered turned out to be a slab of solid cool whip, but I am a jaunty little soldier, and I ate it right up.
2006: So far, so good. Happy New Year. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/02/2006 02:06:00 AM
4 comments
Ring in the new
For 2006, I would like newer, better lungs and an end to the too-tenacious-to-be-a-cold, too-mild-to-be-much-else plague that I've had for the past three weeks. I would also like a damn bit of common sense, so I can learn to stay out of smoky rooms until this thing subsides.
It was worth it, though, to go to the End of the World party last night. I wore a shimmering golden prom dress that I painstakingly ruined for an hour so it looked like I'd been through some kind of disaster. I slashed it, burned it, and stomped it in the dirt. I ratted my hair out in all directions, and put on too much crooked eyeliner and too much dark lipstick, just like it was 10th grade again. I knew that anything after the apocalypse meant that people had to go around in military gear, so I wore a jaunty little soldier's cap as well. I looked like a jaunty little soldier.
That's a lie: with my fucked up makeup and slatternly dress, I looked like Courtney Love. Then I got plastered, which I'm sure added to the impression.
At midnight, I kissed Tracy, who was resplendent in his own right as the glamorous referee of the apocalypse. Later I blew a paper horn, and later still I worked at the Wheel of Misfortune. "Do you dare?" Step right up, one dollar. Players spun a plywood wheel for a chance to win prizes like a free shot, roller derby merchandise, a kiss (scandalous, I know), or a chance to arm wrestle a roller girl. It was odd to have so many people theatrically pretend to lose to me. After that, it was time for full-contact musical chairs, and I never saw my hat again.
Today I had a nice breakfast with Tracy, thought about making some kind of vegetarian Hoppin' John so I'd have good luck all year, and realized that I didn't feel like going to the trouble to cook the black-eyed peas. Also, I am still mad at the band of the same name for "My Humps", and I think that would taint any real peas I would fix.
It was a nice lazy day. Everybody I live with was home tonight, and we all sat around the living room hanging out for the first time in a while, and then most of us went to a diner and had coffee and ridiculous deserts. The one I ordered turned out to be a slab of solid cool whip, but I am a jaunty little soldier, and I ate it right up.
2006: So far, so good. Happy New Year. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 1/02/2006 01:49:00 AM
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