Monday, May 29, 2006 It doesn't make any sense.
Today my thoughts have been on two unrelated things:
1) How to make people purchase items through a website
and
2)How to make a bunch of young ladies rediscover the joy of hitting each other.
It's difficult, because I have to put myself into the shoes (boots) of others, and I hate that. The hell with others. I have my own shoes.
I, for example, am easily persuaded to buy any old stupid thing on the internet. The appeal of sitting very still and looking forward to a package in the mail is hard to beat. Also, what young lady doesn't want to hit other young ladies? How can you "burn out" on shoving? Are you bored with hot pants all of a sudden, too? It doesn't make any sense. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/29/2006 03:40:00 PM
1 comments
Sunday, May 28, 2006 Leaving the nest
It's dead bird season all over town. Last night I was at a friend's house, and the people there showed me a tiny one that had fallen off the roof earlier.
Last week at work, there was excitement every day, because some baby pigeons were throwing themselves out of a nest above the concrete alley, one by one, so they had to be rushed to the bird vet or mourned, depending on how much momentum they'd picked up.
A housemate of mine used to photocopy dead birds in a photocopier for an art project, and that's why good honest people don't touch the downstairs mini fridge, ever. If we were really good and honest, we would also avoid Kinkos.
Things have been strange in my house lately. I guess we had a rash of little pixies who were so sad to move out that they had to take keepsakes and momentos from those of us they were leaving behind. Sentimental things, like the cutting boards, or the measuring cups, or my hairdryer. In hindsight, we should have left them saucers of cream to appease them...they said they were vegan, though, so wtf? These creatures are inscrutable.
To be fair, I haven't straightened up my bedroom in about a year, and maybe if I move aside some of the clothes and papers, I'll find that one time that I forgot about, I made a little tangle of twigs and feathers, where I stored everything we're missing for safekeeping. Maybe all the potholders but one (the straggler that remains in the kitchen for some reason, poor lonely thing) will have hatched into fledgling oven mitts. Maybe the naked DVDs, whose cases remain, deceptively, in the living room will have molted and grown beautiful new cases.
Maybe all our stuff fell out of the nest I made for it, and came back as little birds. That is probably what happened. Probably, no one took anything at all. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/28/2006 09:44:00 AM
3 comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006 This is just to say
There's a piece of rink rash on my thigh in the shape of fishnet weave, and there's a deep purple bruise next to that, and days later, I'm still sore and tired, but WE WON on Sunday. Tne Night Terrors took the Junkyard Dolls 57-40. The undefeated Speed Regime beat the Mobtown Mods, 91-77.
The Junkyard Dolls fought hard and knocked us (well, me, anyway) all over the rink, but we worked together as a team better than we ever have, and I think we surprised them.
In a few weeks (June 11, doors at 5:00, bout at 6:00, tickets on sale now at brownpapertickets.com), we play the Speed Regime. They're 2-0, and we're 1-1. They just beat the team that beat us last time. It's going to be an interesting bout. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/24/2006 02:26:00 PM
6 comments
Saturday, May 20, 2006 What to expect when you're psychotic
Here I am again, internet. I've had a hard time thinking up much to type lately: or, I can think of plenty of stuff, because more is going on in my life than there has been in a long time. I've got a backlog of anecdotes, even.
Something strange is happening, though: many of these anecdotes are turning into face-to-face conversation exclusives.
Here's one I haven't told many people yet:
When I was in Richmond awhile back, visiting my parents, I was riding in the back seat of their car with Tracy, and he and I were talking about my derby team's logo, a creepy-ass bird skull with the silhouette of jagged wings behind it. Why a bird, we wondered, then we started talking about creepy bird imagery like the nightmare birds in the Sandman. I mentioned the Deathbird in Harlan Ellison' Deathbird Stories.
My mom pipes up from the front seat that Harlan Ellison had a lot to do with the way I was raised. "Have you read Again, Dangerous Visions?" I had not. "Well, there's a story in there about some scientists and they find a way to test babies for intelligence. They go all around the world and collect the smartest ones. (In some of the poorest countries they can just buy them!) Then they take them out away from everybody and raise them without beliefs or religion. And they turned out to be able to do great things!"
So that, she went on to say, was why they told us never to belive in Santa Claus.
To me and to others who know my mother, that story has multiple punchlines already, but here are a few more. You may choose the one you like best.
They have only previously been published in my head.
1)Great, a seventies science fiction story about a creepy-ass future utopia. That is a great resource to use for nurturing your children. Tell me, my genius parents, how did that shit end, with the super babies in their Skinner boxes or Spahn ranches or whatever? Conga line, right?
2)It could've been worse. Those impressionable little pups who controlled my childhood could've gotten hold of The Boys from Brazil. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/20/2006 05:21:00 PM
4 comments
Friday, May 19, 2006 Have you seen my roomful of crack?
So, recently I was at the O--- bar with some friends, and I spied a bag of cocaine on the floor. I chided my friends for leaving their cocaine lying around, and we giggled and pointed at it, but no one stepped forward to claim it. We didn't want to pick it up: suppose this was the world's clumsiest sting operation?
No one else seemed to notice it, which was a shame, because I wanted to see someone try to act casual as they picked it up.
Eventually, I pointed it out to one of the bouncers. Do you have a lost and found? Someone has lost their cocaine!
A little later, a thin, nervous fellow went around the room asking everyone something or other. They all shook their heads, and he looked very sad. Served him right for having that haircut. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/19/2006 02:24:00 PM
1 comments
Sunday, May 14, 2006 The One Commandment
Ten Commandments
-Too many, waste valuable time
-Have Connotations
Advantages to the One Commandment system:
-Quicker
-Appeals to the youth
-Easier printing on merch and outreach materials such as tattoos
Here is the One Commandment:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Don't be a damn asshole.
It is surprisingly hard to keep the One Commandment. With ten, one has better odds. I find time to effortlessly keep at least three out of ten of the traditional commandments every day.
The One Commandment is not in keeping with my natural inclinations or personality.
For example: I hurt my knee last week. I fell on some uneven pavement on my skates, and my leg got twisted. An honest mistake, except I should've known better, but "I should have known better" turned out to be the theme of the event that I was leaving.
I limped around for a week, tying myself in inner knots over imaginary scenarios where it turned out that I'd torn something irreparable and would never be able to skate again.
During this time, I went to three practices, including a Harrisburg Area Roller Derby (HARD) practice, and I don't even live in damn Harrisburg, and at these practices, I continued to skate, like an asshole.
Finally, the clouds parted, a shaft of light poured down from the heavens, and the one commandment was revealed to me, so I went to the damn doctor, who yanked on my leg more than I thought was fully reasonable, but the good news is that I am going to be fine, except for inherent personality flaws. The doctor didn't say that, but he saw it in my eyes.
He said my knee was bored, and wanted a beautiful new outfit, so he gave me a little tube top for it, and that is the extent of my treatment--except I'm not supposed to practice this week. The next bout is on Sunday (hurry, tickets WILL sell out), a week from today, and it would've been nice to get another night of scrimmaging in before we go up against the Junkyard Dolls.
That is a parable, you know. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/14/2006 02:59:00 PM
2 comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006 Today in Damn
*Since I'm reasonable, I expected the human narration on this show I'm watching about hilarious pet videos to be bad, but it is awful. What a disappointment, when the animals themselves are so funny.
*I haven't had much to say to the internet lately, except "none of your damn business." That's wrong, of course. You, the internet, deserve to know any old stupid thing I've been up to.
*Some lady from the bank called on the phone, and we had some words, because I have told those people not to call me any more. If I thought it would do any good, I would call them and have my number of record changed to that of an enemy. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/04/2006 09:23:00 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, May 02, 2006 Your satisfaction is very important to us
It's been a little over a week since the bout. So, that means it's less than three weeks 'til the next one. Tickets sold out last time, and there were people looking for extras in the parking lot, like we were some kind of jam band. Get yours now.
Here is a compelling reason why. posted by Frenzy Lohan | 5/02/2006 02:43:00 PM
0 comments
|
